I’m standing naked on the lawn, my heart in my hands pumping, blood spilling over, between my fingers and dripping down to the green grass and my toes. Some people tell me I am lost… conflicted. I am (apparently) lost to the carnage of my own actions, to the decisions I have made of late, to the questions I have asked and continue to ask.
I am not conflicted or lost. I simply cannot settle. Not now. Not here.
For too long I have been comfortable to be reigned in and contained but the time for this containment is over.
It hurts. It hurts to hear the voices of friends cutting in, telling me I am lost because of my questions.
I walk a tightrope but my heart is exploding with love. Too long have I held myself back like a thoroughbred contained when I am meant to run wild, free in open plains (where the streets have no names).
The blood drips. The heart pumps.
There is no sorrow here but for the lament over things past and friends who cannot walk this way with me. I want to know that God is with me and I do. I do when I stop to take a deep breath and when I feel Him touch my heart and put it back inside me where it’s safe, where only the trustworthy can touch it. I can bring it out again for the needy and the broken, but the sure do not need to see it right now.
I am done. I am finished with the simple answers, and conformity that held me and hurt me. I am naked and gaping on the lawn with a smile on my face. I am here with red stains on my fingers and words on my tongue.
I am ready to keep being surprised. By love.
I cannot stop asking questions. I cannot stop here on the edge and jump to safety, not yet. Not now. I have to keep going. Because the way is where I discover beauty, truth, freedom… and all that has been hidden by rules wrapped around me.
I cannot stop.
“The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.” – Helen Keller



My heart and my spirit are exploding simultaneously. The supernova within me is mid-explosion and I can feel the waves rippling out in time and space.
