I’ve got a theory

•November 29, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Hey lovely readers. I’ve got a theory and I could use some help. If you’re able to, can you please answer these questions? Also let me know if I can quote you or if you’d want your name changed. Comments are screened before being posted.

1) Do you feel like you have a destiny? If so why or why not?

2) When you’ve tried to get to your destiny or if you’ve gotten there already, what sort of obstacles and things have you encountered on the way. Can you point out any specific moments where you felt you were hitting a crisis or a crossing the threshold moment? Please explain.

3) Do you think of yourself as a spiritual being? Regardless of religion. Is there any kind of sense of spiritual or non-physical world that you are aware of? Do you think this world effect your destiny or lack of…?

4) Do you believe in symbols? Can you see any patterns in your life?

You, Me, and Salisbury…

•November 27, 2009 • 1 Comment

by jessss31

I am so nervous. And yet when he holds my hand, when I find myself touching his arm, leaning in closer almost without noticing, and catching glimpses of our smiles bouncing off each other, I feel so safe and so thankful. Happy.

We stood in Salisbury Cathedral and it felt like heaven. He and me. The history and reverence and magic. Music and candlelight. Chatting about God and walking so slowly around, taking each moment in step by step, looking up.

I am so nervous. But it feels right.

It feels like someone’s working in our favour. Impromptu choir concert in the cathedral, holding hands on yet another light celebration in another city not either of ours, singing carols, praying… discovering his favourite author is doing a signing at the bookshop just as we happened to stroll by.

I didn’t know this is what it would be like. But I think this is very good.

Life is very strange and very beautiful and my heart is expanding and my stories new and old are reaching out to be told.

And Salisbury Cathedral became one of my favourite places in the world.

This is how it’s meant to feel

•November 25, 2009 • Leave a Comment

You know how when you were little you dreamt about things and thought “that’ll never happen.” But you kept dreaming it anyway… because it was a good dream?

One of my impossible dreams came true last night and I have to say. It’s so much better when it’s real and it was worth the wait. And the best part? It’s still early. This is just beginning.

“When those lights came on and I held your hand, stood in the street surrounded by the crowd, I could understand how it was meant to feel. So I don’t want to say goodnight and go, believe me… It feels right with you here by my side.”

look what appeared at the Media School today!

•November 24, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Sometimes it’s the little things that make me happy. :)

3 weeks in Bournemouth

•November 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

So I decided that I like this blog. I miss it! The other Uni blog isn’t really happening so… I’m back! I have, however, started contributing to Thinking Big, Writing Small! along with six of my coursemates.

I am now fully into the swing of University and daily confronting many of my fears and having to look self doubt in the face and learn to deal with her. I’ve managed to finish a first draft of my first Uni short film and I’m quite excited about it. We’re doing rehearsed readings this week which should be interesting. The entire MA media school will be listening in on a first script draft. Eep! Sounds exciting and also a bit scary. Pretty much sums up things so far. It’s hard work but I am beginning at last to settle and enjoy.

Also? I met someone. The kind of someone you always hope you’ll meet but don’t really expect to. On Thursday he held my hand as we ran through town centre right as the Christmas lights were switched on. Magic.

I can’t quite believe I’ve only been here for three weeks.

a moment in time

•November 21, 2009 • Leave a Comment

She grips her belt. Tight. A woman on the edge. Gripping the leather between her fingers as if it were a noose. She pulls it free. Her trousers drop slightly, resting on her hips. She whips the belt around in her hands and pulls it slack.

She moves with determination toward the other. Another woman across the room, stiff and determined in her stiffness. She has sticks strapped to her arms and legs, keeping her wide and stiff. She’s proud. She’s pale and awkward, but proud.

The First One moves toward the second, the belt in her fists, sweat on her brown, down her arms, legs, and belly. She doesn’t speak until she’s close.

The Stiff One stares out, accusing. “What? What do you want? You know I own you. I’m the reason you exist.”

“Just try to hit me.”

She tries.

The First One, with her trousers falling lose while she walks confidently, laughs at the awkward offense of the stiff one.

“I can do this. They told me I could.”

“Why did you believe them?”

She struggles against the wood straps. “They sang it. In a song. They shouted it from a pulpit. They said life would be better this way.”

She, the First, watches, tensing and relaxing the belt in her hands. Then with one swift movement she turns the weapon on the other. She smacks the belt through the air. WHAP! And it hits the Stiff One’s skin.

A scream of pain.

“What the heck?”

“You can’t even say it.”

“What?”

“Fuck. Fuck it. Fuck this time and place. It’s your fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

Whack. Another smack, right across her chest. The pale skin breaks open. She yells. “Why are you doing this?”

“Aren’t you free? Aren’t you better? Show me!”

The Stiff One struggles but she can’t. Her arms are stuck. She hops forward.

“Stop it!”

Another whack and crack, like a whip. More blood. More screams.

She moves forward. Her trousers fall. She steps away from them, pulls off her shirt. She stands, naked, before the other. She puts her arms out.

“Come and get me.”

The Stiff One looks away, closes her eyes tight. “I don’t… no. That’s bad.”

She walks forward. She brings the whip with her. She moves with grace and determination and anger. Then… she gets close, leaning into the pale skin, a finger touching the blood. The stiff one winces. “Stop.”

“Are you human?”

She leans in. Kisses her.

“Stop.”

“I’m tired of you. I’m tired of looking at you.”

“What?”

She leans back. She takes the whip. “I could kill you.”

The Stiff One is panicked. “But they said. This was for my own good. They said… oh God. Please.”

She kisses her again. The Stiff One kisses back. A moment of strange and awkward passion. Then the Stiff One pulls away, guilty.

“It’s not about sex.” the First One says. “it’s about being human. Why are you guilty over a kiss? It doesn’t define you or me. You are human. We’re meant to touch and feel.”

“I want to go home.”

The First One steps back. She drops the belt. She steps back, but keeps her eyes locked. She steps into her trousers and shirt as if rewinding a tape.

She pulls up her trousers. She licks her lips and smiles.

“You are home, sweetie. If you want to be free… well, then you need to tell them to leave.”

She turns around and walks away.

The Stiff One stares at the belt on the floor. She looks down at her blood. She turns and looks along the length of her stretched out arm and screams.

I made it!

•October 31, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Just a heads up so you don’t all think I’ve died or something. I’m not going to post on here much for a while.

I will however, say that being back in the UK is so far not what I expected. Winton at least does not feel like home. Though this may be cos I haven’t seen much of it yet and my room is tiny and closet-like. But I suspect the less than desirable-ness of my flat and the town will help me focus on why I’m here instead of me just getting lost in the pretty… or something. I’m excited to properly enroll in person on Monday and dive into things on Tuesday. I’m also eager to get my student loans form signed and sent off so that the money can get into my bank account. Being a student means I am poor again. Poor and in debt. Whee! I’m very nervous but excited.

It’s still the beginning.

rollercoaster and then the win

•October 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment

This week has been tough. It’s been emotional ups and downs and all arounds. On Monday I had lost all hope of getting my visa, nevermind getting it on time. But today I heard the five words I had all but lost hope of hearing… “your visa has been issued” just days after a scary notice of deferral. So long as my passport gets to me through the mail on time (it will), I will be flying back to England a week from today.

My goodness. I am still shocked. And still so elated… and tired because I am in the middle of a 7 days in a row work week with the Festival and I have so little time to prepare but I will and it’ll be fine, good even.

I’m so thankful. And when I take the time to really think about it? I am flipping excited to see where this path goes.

Ooh, I met Douglas Coupland yesterday. I also met Seth.

at the close (7 months in Vancouver)

•October 18, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I am still waiting for my visa to come. It might not. But I think it just might. As soon as I sent off the application and knew I had done everything I could do a weight lifted off my shoulders and I was at last able to breathe again, to relax.

On Friday night I was taken out for dinner by my co-workers from the Arts Club. It was a fantastic evening and reminded me in one evening how blessed I’ve been to work in this city, with these people, for the past 7 months. It’s not lost on me, the miracle of finding a dayjob with great people and a great company, and where you are valued more than you think possible. I sat at this table at the Earl’s on Broadway and Fir, hopping around the table to hug and catch up with those I haven’t seen for a while since I moved to my position with the Writer’s Festival and when a few of them hugged me I felt such overwhelming joy at knowing these lovely people. And such overwhelming gratefulness for what has happened. For this time.

And this morning it started to sink in that I am leaving, probably/most likely, very soon. And it’s still very odd that I am sad about this. I’m excited but sad to leave before Kyla’s baby is born. Sad to not get to hug Bekah again for a while. Sad to miss the shows, and seeing Kholby dance around and sing showtunes between phone calls and customers. I love these people. I’ve learned how to love without strings or expectation. Holy crap.

And now, I have seven days of work in a row. The Writer’s Festival. Douglas Coupland may have to put up with me hugging him. And C.R. Avery is bound to astonish me with spoken word brilliance. There will be more and work and putting out fires too I imagine. But after that? A day off. An Ani Difranco concert with my brother, then… packing and leaving before I can properly assess the fact that I will be in England, diving into a very intense MA program.

Life is insane. And when I can calm my aching muscles and speeding heart down enough to absorb the incredible adventure of it, I am very very thankful. And I sometimes even laugh between the tears.

Wish me luck and that my visa/passport makes it to me in time so I can board my ship/plane and sail forth.

10 days and counting…

crossing the threshold in real life

•October 17, 2009 • Leave a Comment

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There’s this thing that happens. In most every good film, story, TV show. As our hero is about to make a giant, scary decision/movement toward their destiny, when they are so close to crossing into new once only dreamed of territory  that they can taste the glorious newness and dreamspace on their tongue, they take a step… and all hell breaks loose.

They are crushed, beaten, worn out, torn down, faced with their most dreaded fears, doubts and worries, everything seems to go wrong and the hero begins to lose hope. It seems they will never reach their goal.

There’s a reason stories are like this.

There’s a reason we believe and love these stories. It’s because whether or not we are fighting dragons or giant corporations or our own psyche, all of this happens in real life. Metaphors or no.

This is how life is. You get close to your dream and the universe throws daggers. You have to be ready, after all… to win your prize. It never comes easy. If it does come easy, it wasn’t your true dream. Or… you won’t recognize the gift and you will squander it. Unless of course you’re a very particular, special sort of person. But that’s another post.

I think that right now I am nearing one of my most pivitol and precarious thresholds in my journey. I think that is why I feel beat down, hopeless, worn out, and like the obstacles I am facing have grown ten thousand times higher than all others before and why despite this I cannot give up.

Ladies and Gentleman, the stories we hold most dear, are at their basic root true. This is why I love to write. This is why I need to go on and not stop till I get there.

This is why, despite the urge to throw in the towel, I have no choice but to fight until I can’t.