TARDIS TRAVELER

My head is so full.

My spirit is quaking within me.

I’m on fire. Bursting. I am praying for more, more manifestation of God’s spirit. More prophetic words, more tongues, more wisdom, interpretation, boldness, courage, strength, roar, confidence. And in everything there is this sense of love, hope, and strangeness because… because… I am becoming and I am simultaneously. Sometimes I can’t take it. I try to balance it all like twirling plates but He just says ‘why are you doing that?’

He is the sun and the wind. He is everything.

The world is changing.

Time is not what it once was.

I am flying, and learning that there is more to me even than wings.

With white feet of angels seven
Her white feet go glimmering;
And above the deep of heaven,
Flame on flame, and wing on wing.
- W.B. Yeats

I feel You, electric. Sharp, thick in the air. Your spark bringing goose-bumps, tingly feelings on my pale skin just now removed from shrouds of winter and rain to face the sun. I blink. I feel You. Hovering, moving through the air I must breathe to survive. You are my oxygen. You are my hope.

The revelation of Your love is baffling. Sometimes the weight of it crushes me and I can’t bare to even fathom looking up for fear of seeing Your face and dying.

But lately, I find myself rejoicing in Your love. I rejoice because You are dancing. You leap over me, rejoicing in song. Instead of weighing, I feel free, I feel lifted and light and fully alive.

My heart is captured. It is not available. It is taken, captured, enraptured. My heart is woven into Your heart. Your heartbeat, my heartbeat, even for a moment, just a moment of rhythm unfathomable.

Yes, love and hope are interconnected. My wound will be my gift. I will bring hope because You restore hope to me. I will be feminine and strong, because You restore my femininity, my weakness then my strength. I understand. I may forget tomorrow, but right now it makes perfect sense.

Perfect, because You are perfect. Glorious one, my love.

Wonder upon wonders, this ancient soul will see. My soul is integrated with this land you brought me to and wonder upon wonders we will bring. In stone circles and highland ’scapes… bold, beauty in the dust arising. My soul is awake. My soul is hoping. My soul is loved.

It is not about Your word, though Your word is life. It, this, is about Your love. Deep, unfathomable, astonishing. Miraculous love.

Thank you.

Process

I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.
I am lifting and heaving
and driving in spikes.
It’s a process,
a slow process.
Slow and steady.
But I have this feeling…
I will not finish.
I have this feeling
the train will come
sooner than I think,
and it will fly
right off the end
and go on it’s own.
Soaring.
A magic train
to an unfathomable destination
even greater,
and more surprising
than I can imagine.
I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.

I was awoken at 3am by a disturbing dream involving an actress named Billie Piper. At first I wondered whether the dream was a result of some sort of attack, but the dream did not instill fear in me. When I awoke I felt strongly that God was telling me to pray for Billie and to get others to pray. So I did.

The day continued like that with YWAM Scotland prayer day. We prayed for her, for our friends and loved ones, and for each other. There was this strong sense of the spirit of God hovering, being present with us, really speaking and revealing.

I had this image of laying down tracks, railroad tracks. And God said “you are on the right track.” There was lots of talk of things to come and healing to come and big things that are daunting to me to think of. It was a day of encouragement, of hope, of… curiousity and focus on God’s power and wonders.

And it began with a dream that sparked me to pray for a stranger.

Sometimes, lately, I think my future may be more surprising and more amazing than I think.

And when I think that I realize… I have changed.

I am beginning to live in hope. I am beginning to hope not just for little things but for the impossible. And my hope is defiant and wild and strong.

Yes, Lord. Yes.

I used to dream in the dark
listless breaths and long cobwebbed corridors
where moths flickered aimlessly
waiting to die
and screaming for more.
I used to dream in the dark.

Now I dream in the day
bright eyes sparkling with possibility
staring out over wide horizons
and wondering, blinking and dreaming
in gasping breaths of expectation.
Now I dream in the day.

I carry the burden of hope
like love unfulfilled, beating in my chest
painful, but alive, waiting to break forth
screaming and cold like a newborn child,
a miracle formed in the depths.

I’ve gone months without internet at the flat (hence the reason for being so behind on updating this thing). Now that we have it again, it’s almost overwhelming. What? I can use the internet whenever I want? Imagine that!

Where do I begin? I have been learning so much. God has been really speaking, surprising me with out of the blue encounters and words like…

WATCH ME BLESS YOU

in the middle of a folk music concert. And there’s so much more. But I’ve been wondering lately, about this whole missions thing as a writer/artist. It feels strange sometimes that this could be called missions. But it is. Why is it?

because while I hope one day to make my living off my writing, I also hope even more to ignite change with my writing, to see people waking to their potential, their dreams, their destinies.

I keep feeling this ridiculously strong desire to belong here even more. I don’t want to be an outsider forever. I am praying for a way to belong, to become Scottish, really. And the only way I can see that really happening is marriage. But I also long to write for BBC, to write shows for the public and really make an impact in Britain as a storyteller… Britain, then the world.

Is it possible?

Not by my own strength. But boy am I praying. I am fighting. Feeling my warrior awake through words, creativity, faith and the discovery of a hope thought long lost.

This is madness.

We’re developing a film to shoot in October. And I really think that will be the start of something. Well, every day seems to be the start of something lately.

And not just another day. But the start of this life, the real thing. Destiny and desire fulfilling bit by bit, breath by breath.

God of wonders, do your thing.

 I went to Paisley again for the YWAM New Staff Orientation on Tuesday. It was a welcome change, getting out of the city for a day to do something different.

During a time of prayer several things were revealed to me. One, was that God is a gardener, and He is preparing the soil, and planting, setting down roots for me in Scotland. Other things included living in the moment

because tomorrow will take care of itself.

Having fun with God… finding the funny, pointing to the true.

But also, God said to me through several people…

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away with me.”

He acknowledged my femininity and desire to be captivating and beautiful and responded with lovely words that blessed my heart. I want to run through the fields with Him and be fully confident in the moment with Him, rejoicing always even when I don’t know how things will turn out.

Yes, let’s live that sort of life!

This womb is empty
longing to stretch, to birth.
“Lonely womb, I did not know.
You cried in the desert and in this land full of
green, rolling hills and destiny that I didn’t know
could be held in small hands searching for release.”
I am barren, but full of life.
“Hush, now, little one.
The time has not yet come
but I feel you in the dark, whispering
of possibility.”
And I know.
“The tears you cried have sown,
have been drunk by parched earth
waiting to fulfill its destiny.”
Like me.
We will be,
we will accomplish all that we were made for.
Yes. But not yet.
Not quite.
Soon.

Right now I feel that I am in the middle of a crisis, but finding words to explain this, is not easy. There’s nothing outwardly wrong. And yet I feel… lost. I ache.

Is it a spiritual thing? Some sort of attack? Or something else?

I think yes. I think there is a lot going on. A lot of different factors.

I am exactly where I belong, my destiny is close. I am living for God and delving into my dreams and calling and yet… I feel empty and I feel, a crisis.

I could really use your prayers.

There’s been a lot of things happening and I haven’t been able to keep you up to date. Sorry about that. I have a proper post coming, but in the meantime…

I have been filming (and directing & editing) short films for the Western European Leadership Conference in the Netherlands. I have also been settling into my flat, getting to know my wonderful flat-mates, and rehearsing the one-woman show, which debuts this May 16 & 17 at the Edinburgh Rush Festival.

As of today, I’m really feeling encouraged about life and my brain is teeming with ideas for short films and plays. It’s exciting! I was just so encouraged this morning and feeling such joy at realizing and really relishing in the fact that I live in the UK and I adore it here. I really do.

God is providing in ways that I just hadn’t expected.

22/04/2008

Do not go gently into the quietness, your sword limply falling from your hand. Oh souls, that speak in the dark of light and dreams. Do not go gently into the nothing… of lack of, lack of, lack of release.

Do not flounder here while you wait, waiting for the birth of what you’ve been waiting for. Do not give up. Do not waffle and waver in this valley of bones. They will awake! But you must hold tight.

Hold tight to the sword in your hands. Raise your shield. Roar.

Do not go gently!

Rage, for your soul is dying not by might but hope deferred and now fear of hope fulfilled. You are afraid of what might be, and content to dwell in the absent spaces, content to believe you are

nothing.

But you know they are liars. They who speak of this nothingness and wear it as a cloak, then pass it on down generations and generations. Warriors told to slump in battle and cry all the way home.

You know there is more! So fight. Write. Dream. Live. LOVE mightily and with a warrior’s passion that is untamable. You are untamable butterfly-child, warrior of the light. DO NOT GO GENTLY into the sickening quietness that would seek to lull you to passivity, and passive dreams that never never come true.

Awake. And rage against the sighing. Breathe in your destiny in a moment of fury at those who seek to press you down. Rage against the voices in yourself that seek to squash you also. Oh, do not be defeated.

Do not go gently.

24/02/2008

I have been realizing some things about my life, how things have been leading up to how they are. And I finally think it makes a kind of sense through life with God. I felt a call to leave my home, Canada. I felt a call to write and spark change and do something important. All I knew then in my small mind was L.A. So I went. I went twice… and I learned what it was like to live away from home in a foreign land as a foreign girl with little money, dependent on others and on God. The first time, though I didn’t want to leave, I felt like it would be too hard to stay. I was running out of money and I knew getting a work visa would be next to impossible.

Something about it didn’t feel right. So I went back to Vancouver, did some theatre stuff, travelled, then went back to L.A, to try again, this time to much less success and harder times. When I left to return to Vancouver this second time, I hated returning but didn’t feel like staying in L.A. was right either. Something was just not there. Something didn’t feel quite how it should. Not that I knew how it should feel.

Then I came back, worked at Starbucks and earned some money. But I still felt restless to be somewhere other than Canada and my parents home. I longed to go back to L.A. where my friends were and where I felt my heart was.

And God closed the border to me so I couldn’t go. He took that forward momentum in my spirit and directed it East to Toronto where I worked, grew, lived and spent 6 months unemployed seeking only God and growing in faith. And even during those first 6 months God brought up the idea of Scotland, of YWAM. Even then, though He put it off for a year, time enough for me to grow and change and be ready and raise funds so I could go. He tore down the walls of what I thought was impossible and sent me farther from home than I had ever been only to discover that this, here in Scotland, is where I belong. Where I had never been. That is home.

A while ago, when I was doubting, questioning, I couldn’t understand why God would let me feel that desire for L.A., and it made me worry if I was wrong about Scotland. But this morning I see with clarity. It was not wrong or misplaced for me to feel that. It was just…part of the journey. My mind had not yet expanded its vision enough to realize that God’s ways are greater than mine and the world is smaller than I think. All this stuff in me, my dreams, how I am at the very deep core. Things that whispered in me for decades… those things, God knew them. He made them. And He patiently worked with me to teach me and equip me so I could end up here, in Scotland, writing, praying, dependent on God, stretching myself in many ways, and at home in a foreign land. Who knew?

Well, God did.

And for that I am so thankful!!!!