Monthly Archive

22/04/2008

Do not go gently into the quietness, your sword limply falling from your hand. Oh souls, that speak in the dark of light and dreams. Do not go gently into the nothing… of lack of, lack of, lack of release.

Do not flounder here while you wait, waiting for the birth of what you’ve been waiting for. Do not give up. Do not waffle and waver in this valley of bones. They will awake! But you must hold tight.

Hold tight to the sword in your hands. Raise your shield. Roar.

Do not go gently!

Rage, for your soul is dying not by might but hope deferred and now fear of hope fulfilled. You are afraid of what might be, and content to dwell in the absent spaces, content to believe you are

nothing.

But you know they are liars. They who speak of this nothingness and wear it as a cloak, then pass it on down generations and generations. Warriors told to slump in battle and cry all the way home.

You know there is more! So fight. Write. Dream. Live. LOVE mightily and with a warrior’s passion that is untamable. You are untamable butterfly-child, warrior of the light. DO NOT GO GENTLY into the sickening quietness that would seek to lull you to passivity, and passive dreams that never never come true.

Awake. And rage against the sighing. Breathe in your destiny in a moment of fury at those who seek to press you down. Rage against the voices in yourself that seek to squash you also. Oh, do not be defeated.

Do not go gently.

24/02/2008

I have been realizing some things about my life, how things have been leading up to how they are. And I finally think it makes a kind of sense through life with God. I felt a call to leave my home, Canada. I felt a call to write and spark change and do something important. All I knew then in my small mind was L.A. So I went. I went twice… and I learned what it was like to live away from home in a foreign land as a foreign girl with little money, dependent on others and on God. The first time, though I didn’t want to leave, I felt like it would be too hard to stay. I was running out of money and I knew getting a work visa would be next to impossible.

Something about it didn’t feel right. So I went back to Vancouver, did some theatre stuff, travelled, then went back to L.A, to try again, this time to much less success and harder times. When I left to return to Vancouver this second time, I hated returning but didn’t feel like staying in L.A. was right either. Something was just not there. Something didn’t feel quite how it should. Not that I knew how it should feel.

Then I came back, worked at Starbucks and earned some money. But I still felt restless to be somewhere other than Canada and my parents home. I longed to go back to L.A. where my friends were and where I felt my heart was.

And God closed the border to me so I couldn’t go. He took that forward momentum in my spirit and directed it East to Toronto where I worked, grew, lived and spent 6 months unemployed seeking only God and growing in faith. And even during those first 6 months God brought up the idea of Scotland, of YWAM. Even then, though He put it off for a year, time enough for me to grow and change and be ready and raise funds so I could go. He tore down the walls of what I thought was impossible and sent me farther from home than I had ever been only to discover that this, here in Scotland, is where I belong. Where I had never been. That is home.

A while ago, when I was doubting, questioning, I couldn’t understand why God would let me feel that desire for L.A., and it made me worry if I was wrong about Scotland. But this morning I see with clarity. It was not wrong or misplaced for me to feel that. It was just…part of the journey. My mind had not yet expanded its vision enough to realize that God’s ways are greater than mine and the world is smaller than I think. All this stuff in me, my dreams, how I am at the very deep core. Things that whispered in me for decades… those things, God knew them. He made them. And He patiently worked with me to teach me and equip me so I could end up here, in Scotland, writing, praying, dependent on God, stretching myself in many ways, and at home in a foreign land. Who knew?

Well, God did.

And for that I am so thankful!!!!

There has been a lot on my mind lately. Stories, and creative things as well as spiritual and practical things. My mind is a very busy place! Especially right now.

This morning at base meeting we did this thing where we prayed and listened to hear what God thought of each member of the team. About their identity. Then we each had a sheet of paper on our backs and went around writing words down for each person. It was awesome. And what was written on my sheet surprised me…

And you know, I keep fretting about money. I keep panicking and feeling this sinking feeling like all will crumble and fall, but God keeps saying that I need to trust him.

The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in want.

I may have to find a p/t job, and that’s okay. I will survive. I will have enough and even more. Last night when I was praying about my finances I had this picture of a vine, and a flower blossoming and I thought “fruit”… and how Jesus is the vine. I also once again heard “trust me”. But I have been so caught up in worries and feeling like if I trust completely I am somehow not doing enough. That I ought to be working harder instead of just trusting. And it is true, but I also need to rest. Part of trusting God is resting in Him. It is acknowledging that He is good and trustworthy and not fretting, cos He’s got me. I am intricately woven into His vine and will bear fruit… and have fruit to eat as well.

He has proved Himself time and again. Why do I doubt?

Because it’s scary.

But perfect love casts out fear. And if Christ is in me, and He is love as God is love and they are one, then fear should not reside in me. Fear is then squished in like someone sitting on an already full seat, pressing down heavy and unwelcome. But God is love abounding in and around me and He provides. He is a great provider. He loves to give and bless as we are giving and bless others. I need to remember this.

I also need to not be shut up. I am still struggling to find boldness and courage with my voice. I know I need to speak out more in groups but it still is hard for me to find my voice there. I pray for more of God’s spirit to embolden me and more of His courage to fuel me on and open my mouth to speak when I must, even if I am afraid of how my words will be taken.

Yes.

I trust You, Lord because you are trustworthy and good. And even though I don’t always understand Your ways, and following them is often hard, I believe that Your way is best and that You know what your doing and will not abandon me. I am asking for your blessing and trusting that it will come!

He has provided me an amazing flat, and great flatmates, and many other things. I feel so blessed.

 But also concerned about the next few months as far as provision goes, financially. Please continue to pray for me regarding funds so that I can stay and continue to do what God has called me to do.

I trust you, Lord. I do.

This living by faith thing sure is interesting…

In my hands is a cloak. An invisible, tangible darkness well-worn and old. Caught in a moment of rage at indescribable things I picked it up and wore it proud while cutting skin and bleeding mind.

But black-eyed and mouth open wide, you spoke to me in the wee hours of morning, fighting for justice with all your might. Not false self, but true self… true blue. Caught and stuck for years under painted eyes and a silent scream.

I’m sorry.

I was born to laugh and be joyful. I was not born for shadows and rage. But I felt it, I felt it in my tiny fists. I felt the need to know sorrow as I cut deep into my own skin and hugged the shadows like a warm blanket of knowing. I was wrong.

I was wrong. And I let the ghost of lies seep in and plague me. Seep in and silence myself, seep in and take fake form over truth.

Until you came and shook me. And woke me up.

“No more. No more.”

Release.

Little girl, 8 years old, kicks my shin.

She sits on my lap, curls up, arms around my neck. “I love you.”

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.

“It’s okay. Move on.”

She is defiant with laughter and a courageous hope for her destiny.

She is me.

I found a flat.

It’s further out of town than I thought I would be willing to go… but it’s absolutely incredibly gorgeous. High Ceilings, old fashioned, newly renovated, garden out back, lovely landlords, etc etc. I can’t believe I’m going to live there. So what if it takes me a while to get into and around town when I get to go home to THAT.

I feel so silly (once again) for doubting. God provides, and He WILL provide. Yay!

Right now, I am praying for someone who wants to donate a bus pass to me every month (£35/month). And more support, etc. But in general I am just happy that I have found a place to call home that is THAT gorgeous.

Praise God!!!

I’ve been feeling weighted.

I don’t like living “in between.” I really long to be settled.

The past week I have felt so blessed and also so weighted. My brain is full and I’m having a hard time connecting thoughts in conversations. I feel like I am a butterfly flapping madly, trying to figure out where to land. I need some nectar.

But I’ve been thinking about how God is. How when we come to Him with all this stuff, He responds immediately. He listens. He loves. He embraces and more than puts up with. I hate that I flit at times. That I fret over things even though I KNOW God has me. I hate that. But He is good and He keeps blessing anyway, especially when I do stand still and look to Him with arms wide, caught in a cool breeze for a moment.

If only I could remember that He is my nectar… and find a way to taste it’s sweetness even when I am numb and full of junk and weighted.

(I really don’t like living in limbo.
Praying for a flat that fits me soon.)

I’ve been going through old writings and poems, compiling them for a book project I’m working on. And one thing I have been realizing/reminded of is how truly, seriously, honestly trustworthy God is.

And how the impossible things in life seem to be the things that are actually the best. Because they are actually possible.

Everything is going to be okay. I will find a flat of my own to live in. I will be provided for. And my desires will come forth in a tree of life!

Today was a day of inspiration (in spite the fact that I woke up at 8:30am, decided I wasn’t ready to face the world and went back to sleep for another hour). Once fully awake, I embraced the wonder of beautiful sunshine in Scotland and took myself, my camera and notebook out for a walk to explore my human doll character, and to work on capturing a mood visually.

The exercise proved quite fruitful in uplifting my spirits and inspiring me… and also in making me realize just how much I love black & white photography.

I’m still developing the character’s motivations and psychology but realizing how intricately her ability to act/react seems to be connected to my ability to recognize the changes that have occured in my life.

What I mean is: she is often just responding to what’s been done to her, taking the hit. I have too. But she’s a fighter. And I am a fighter.

And there does come a point when the fight has to come out one way or another. This is something I am realizing. And I do mean realize-ing (making real). I’m learning how to fight. How to overcome. I am learning how to be myself without just reacting to others opinions and ideas, but by acting and taking action that is my own.

It’s a process.

…the protagonist cannot be passive.

She has to eventually take action for the things that have been done to her and fight. She must fight for her life. If she remains passive she is not a hero but merely a figure.

We can’t have that.

Action is important. It is pivotal. It is what defines.

So give her action. Let her do what she must do to win the battle and be who she was born to be.

Yesterday, while walking down Leith Walk (after seeing a lovely film called “Penelope”), I couldn’t help smiling. I felt loved, free, happy and inspired. Cos of a film. Cos of a film that spoke to me.

And you know… I really love when that happens. When little blessings are huge blessings cos they surprise you. I love that.

What I don’t love is when little negative things become big things that kick you into the dirt. It seems so hard to clean that off and go on. It’s still a bit tough going for me right now. I’m having to fight in a way I don’t like to fight cos these lies are wanting to devour.

But I am rising above. I am defeating them.

I think one of the hardest things for an artist, or perhaps anyone, to realize is that you can be brilliant without ever achieving anything. You can be fantastic at something even if you haven’t gotten ‘there’ yet.

That’s hard for me. It’s hard to have faith in myself anyway, but without what often feels like proof of my abilities, I feel… maybe my gifts aren’t really gifts but just illusions of gifts.

But that’s a lie.

I am a writer. I’m a good writer. And I’m young. Most of my favourite writers are in their 40s and 50s. I have time. I will reach my potential.

And the liars and just liars. They will be crushed.

Dream darling, dream… and persevere. The potential is actually actual. It just needs to come to fruition. So go. Keep going.

Do not give up.

Yesterday something happened. I let a thought slip into my brain… a seemingly harmless thought that said ‘this is all too good to be true.’

And I let that seemingly harmless thought swim around my brain till it brought in friends who set up chairs and sat around and had tea with hopeless and purposeless thoughts.

And I panicked.

I still don’t feel fully free of them. I hate how easy it is to listen to a lie, to give sway to the great mocker.

Right now, this thing about hope in me is that it’s like a sore that has healed. But the skin is still fresh and a bit tender. Don’t you hate when people poke the tender spots or when you accidentally bump it on something?

No, the Lord has promised me good things, hope fulfilled and dreams accomplished and PROVISION and wonder. He’s done it before. He’s promised to do it again (and in bigger ways than before). This is a year of faith, hope, trust and birth.

ALL SHALL BE WELL!