Monthly Archive

I had this thought last night, about how everything is connected… or rather, everything eventually connects. Everything about who I am and how I am is part of this journey that I have been on since conception. And it’s like that with everyone. I’m not talking about the negative influences or badness here. I’m talking about the good, true things about who we are. The stuff that when we were kids was untarnished and then… got interrupted and off kilter with time and disappointment and deferral of dreams, and… misinterpretations of who we are. (I was wrong about who I was. I was absolutely wrong. I am so much more.)

What if who we were when we were tiny is who we really are and all the stuff in the middle is nonsense? Sometimes, I think that is the very key to everything, to happiness and to really becoming yourself. Look back not forward. Remember that sense of adventure, the hope, the dreams the feelings that you could do anything? Grab that, embrace it, weave it in. Then look forward with all of that fuel. You can’t help but fly.

After reconciling with little me, I am seeing such healing… healing in ways I can’t describe. Now, thankfully, my femininity is being restored to me. And I am growing into the kind of woman I’ve thought other people could be but not me.

What if I really succeed? What will it be like WHEN I succeed? When I reach my dream? Who will I be?

I will be myself. The 5 year old and the adult, running in circles in the meadows, laughing and dreaming boldly about love, and about all those impossible things which are really possible.

So here’s the thing:

I live in what I consider the best country in the best city in the world. I love it here. I love my friends, my flat, even my crazy p/t job with Waste Innovations. And I love all that has happened since God brought me here. He has provided immeasurably more than I could have hoped for.

Right now is the craziest time in my life. Especially… RIGHT. NOW. This moment. I feel like I may explode either from hope or from stress. Because everything I want seems to be colliding into a great big cocktail of possibility and it’s, well… it is astonishing but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a forward momentum, but still not quite there yet.

But what will I do if I DO get there? What if this time I really do succeed?

How does one cope with the prospect of success, of fulfillment, after so much failure?

I don’t know.

I really feel like I will get to go to London, and do this BBC Sharps thing, go the whole way with it and yet my script isn’t done. 16 days and counting. How can I believe somewhere inside me that much when I know the facts?

I don’t know. It’s just a feeling in my gut.

It hurts. But it’s brilliant.

Oh, help!

I’m not sure how to describe how I feel right now. Everything is mad. But brilliant at the same time. God is doing amazingly cool, crazy-awesome things. And the devil is not happy. Which, really, is quite brilliant. Except that at the moment I feel rather spastic. Frantic.

I have such hope of things to come. I am dreaming up/and of the impossible as if it all were possible and speaking words I didn’t think I’d be able to speak… words that spill out from somewhere deep inside me, words which are wise and surprise me.

I’m currently working on a script to enter into the BBC’s Sharps contest (a search for new TV drama writing talent) in hopes of getting one of 20 spots for a workshop in the Summer (which could lead to one of 8 week long placements). I am really hopeful and excited, so much so that my head is spinning.

It’s like I am overstimulated, oversaturated… overloaded and overbusy.

But I am thankful.

Because this is my life. And I am who I want to be (mostly… I’m getting there). I am where I want to be. And I am closer than I have ever been to my God, my Lord, my King. I am becoming. I am emerging. And though I may burst into pink confetti, everything will be okay. Even better. It’ll be fantastic!

But if you pray, please do pray for protection, peace, continued financial provision and perseverence (4 p’s!) for me right now.

My head is so full.

My spirit is quaking within me.

I’m on fire. Bursting. I am praying for more, more manifestation of God’s spirit. More prophetic words, more tongues, more wisdom, interpretation, boldness, courage, strength, roar, confidence. And in everything there is this sense of love, hope, and strangeness because… because… I am becoming and I am simultaneously. Sometimes I can’t take it. I try to balance it all like twirling plates but He just says ‘why are you doing that?’

He is the sun and the wind. He is everything.

The world is changing.

Time is not what it once was.

I am flying, and learning that there is more to me even than wings.

With white feet of angels seven
Her white feet go glimmering;
And above the deep of heaven,
Flame on flame, and wing on wing.
- W.B. Yeats

I feel You, electric. Sharp, thick in the air. Your spark bringing goose-bumps, tingly feelings on my pale skin just now removed from shrouds of winter and rain to face the sun. I blink. I feel You. Hovering, moving through the air I must breathe to survive. You are my oxygen. You are my hope.

The revelation of Your love is baffling. Sometimes the weight of it crushes me and I can’t bare to even fathom looking up for fear of seeing Your face and dying.

But lately, I find myself rejoicing in Your love. I rejoice because You are dancing. You leap over me, rejoicing in song. Instead of weighing, I feel free, I feel lifted and light and fully alive.

My heart is captured. It is not available. It is taken, captured, enraptured. My heart is woven into Your heart. Your heartbeat, my heartbeat, even for a moment, just a moment of rhythm unfathomable.

Yes, love and hope are interconnected. My wound will be my gift. I will bring hope because You restore hope to me. I will be feminine and strong, because You restore my femininity, my weakness then my strength. I understand. I may forget tomorrow, but right now it makes perfect sense.

Perfect, because You are perfect. Glorious one, my love.

Wonder upon wonders, this ancient soul will see. My soul is integrated with this land you brought me to and wonder upon wonders we will bring. In stone circles and highland ’scapes… bold, beauty in the dust arising. My soul is awake. My soul is hoping. My soul is loved.

It is not about Your word, though Your word is life. It, this, is about Your love. Deep, unfathomable, astonishing. Miraculous love.

Thank you.

Process

I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.
I am lifting and heaving
and driving in spikes.
It’s a process,
a slow process.
Slow and steady.
But I have this feeling…
I will not finish.
I have this feeling
the train will come
sooner than I think,
and it will fly
right off the end
and go on it’s own.
Soaring.
A magic train
to an unfathomable destination
even greater,
and more surprising
than I can imagine.
I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.

I was awoken at 3am by a disturbing dream involving an actress named Billie Piper. At first I wondered whether the dream was a result of some sort of attack, but the dream did not instill fear in me. When I awoke I felt strongly that God was telling me to pray for Billie and to get others to pray. So I did.

The day continued like that with YWAM Scotland prayer day. We prayed for her, for our friends and loved ones, and for each other. There was this strong sense of the spirit of God hovering, being present with us, really speaking and revealing.

I had this image of laying down tracks, railroad tracks. And God said “you are on the right track.” There was lots of talk of things to come and healing to come and big things that are daunting to me to think of. It was a day of encouragement, of hope, of… curiousity and focus on God’s power and wonders.

And it began with a dream that sparked me to pray for a stranger.

Sometimes, lately, I think my future may be more surprising and more amazing than I think.

And when I think that I realize… I have changed.

I am beginning to live in hope. I am beginning to hope not just for little things but for the impossible. And my hope is defiant and wild and strong.

Yes, Lord. Yes.