Category Archive

I feel that I have fallen out of time… into a place where every moment, every thing collides into one big moment of significance. And yet, each thing seems to have its own momentum and its own time separate from the whole. I am living the life of my dreams but shaken to the core by feelings of fear, inadequacy, and doubt. Not to mention I am physically unwell at the moment. Ugh.

I always felt that I was a warrior, a prophet… someone called to speak, write, fight. And yet when I first begin to step into that place I am overwhelmed by the fact that friends are backing away from me, that I am not liked for this. And that fighters… well, they fight. They go into battle.

I still feel fully that I am where I belong and am doing what I was born to do, but the weight of this is tough and I am lacking the strength even to slough it off into God’s hands. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned… I have taken the weight of the world onto my shoulders when it is not my weight to bear. But You did say… I will have my cross.

I feel strange, unable to know how to walk this line, this time without time and to carry only what I must and to dream without losing control. I do not want my selfish ambition to take over the dreams He has for me. And I do not want my fear to keep me back any longer.

This is a strange land we have wandered into…

Break, break
my glass heart in Your hands.
All these sharp edges
bleed Your fingers,
as they bear the weight
of my agony.
And my love.
You restore my soul.
You create newness from
nothing.
My heart, which breaks
and cuts Your skin
will be molded back together.
I will become
something new
as You breathe
over my pieces.
I am
regenerating
and bursting out
held in Your hands
now burning, not bleeding,
as I become
something new
out of dust.
It aches
this expanding
knowing I will
never be with You
the way I want to.
But trusting You will
send me my companion
for the journey
for whatever is to come
with my new heart.
Break, break.

I feel very strange. I’m not sure where I am.

It’s like… I dunno. I feel… disillusioned? Everything I felt certain of has just vanished. It’s all untouchable or un-graspable somehow. We’re one second out of sync with the universe and unsure how to cross over.

I am in the void and not in the void at the same time.

I’m a paradox and I don’t know where my feet are going or if they are even moving.

Am I in the TARDIS? Am I floating in space?

Am I still in the borderlands or did I, in spite of my loss with this BBC contest, somehow manage to cross into new territory without realising it?

Who am I? What is my destiny really? Am I really home? Or is this just another passing thing… and God will move me again just when I feel completely settled? Is my husband really coming? Will I ever accomplish my dreams? Am I really called to great things? Do I really speak? Can I really write? Do I matter?

Is it worth hoping?

I am a ghost, passing through… when will I be solid?

Emptiness was hard. But this? I don’t even know if am real right now.

What do I do?

“Drive me out to that open field
turn the ignition off and spin around
your help is here
but I’m off in this open space
unlocking the gates of love.
I am overcome
I am overcome
Holy water in my lungs

I am overcome.”

I got a package in the mail today from my brother. Inside was a book called “The Heart of the Artist” about artists and ministry and character. Wow. Such good timing. I cried when I started to read it. I’m so tired…

Lord, help. I need real rest and peace and to really fall back into You in a way that is deep and true and inescapably beautiful and joyful. I want to disappear into You and come out new. I want You to carry me in Your arms to a sacred space for just You and me where we’ll create just by breathing without words, without time, without limit, without stress or worry.

This morning I sat on my floor and went through the Celtic morning office, which I haven’t done for a while and went through a meditation exercise that, again, I haven’t done in a while.

I was reflecting/reading about God’s wisdom. And He took me to this picture of walking down a straight path through a thick foggy, but sunny day. And I kept asking “where are we going? Lord?” And He joined me, came in right behind me and wrapped himself around me so tightly that our walking became a bit awkward, but steady. He told me to keep going. And I could feel Him tightly holding onto me as we walked through my unknowing. And then I turned around, cos I wanted to look at Him. I kissed Him and my body gave out. I lost the strength to stand. And He picked me up in His arms and kept moving me forward through the fog.

My heart is overwhelmed. It is full and bursting. I go from moments of stress and anger-balls and frustration, and wanting to run up Arthur’s seat and scream to praising God, dancing by candlelight and weeping tears from the depths of me or spreading out face down and just crying and aching and desiring to the point of undoing.

It hurts so much, this. I let go and I become numb sometimes. I embrace and scream or weep… or just become a workaholic. And then I stop and I breathe and I see the sun rising and the blue sky and I… hope. I hope wildly, boldy, and with confidence. Thus continues the circle.

I wouldn’t want less than this, I only want more. But this is HARD. Trusting, believing even when I want to doubt. Knowing within me that He loves me deeply and has good plans, that it IS my time. Even if I don’t know how time will pan out, how things will come together or exactly when.

I find it hard to deal with other people’s troubles right now. I want to be there, but all I feel is… AHHHHH!!!! But I need people around me. And I need hugs!

Because I am in between. I am over-stimulated. I am transitioning. I am becoming and I’ve already become. I am in between time. I am standing still, in a moment of utter bliss married to absolute terror. I am in no time, and in every time. I feel everything and it hurts. But I am thankful for this. I just… am very aware of myself as a spirit within a body right now. Trapped and free simultaneously. Paradox.

I want to go to London. I want to do this residential and learn and grow and meet people. I want to succeed and make this film. I want to see my TV pilot become a series. I want to create ripples that go ’round the world. Ripples through words and television and my own voice. I want to enter into that now. And the wanting, the desiring is almost unbearable. My soul is bursting and cracking. My spirit is coming undone, or winding up so tight it needs to scream just to breathe.

Keep running, run through the pain. Keep running for the prize.

Oh, it hurts!

Yes. It does. Keep running.

I completed my script and sent it off. It got there ridiculously fast. And now I wait. I wait for a week and a few days to find out whether I am going to London for 30 June.

I feel numb, or just baffled. Like feeling is too much right now so I am just kinda half feeling and wobbling to and fro in the inbetween-lands wondering if I am going to transition sooner than I think into that land of hope fulfilled… or whether I will stay here a while longer leaning only on trust for those dreams. But the scary thing is more that I will succeed. What does success feel like? What does it feel like to be fulfilled in that kind of deep dream?

I don’t know. I will know soon…

Working on this script has been… intense. Humbling. Worship. I’ve never experienced Jesus so close to me when writing before. But I can feel Him in this, in every sentence and word. In the story and the mystery. In the character’s questions and arcs. Wow.

I am feeling very strange lately because something new has opened up before me. I feel like I am walking in the middle of two worlds, in a no-man’s land. Walking and teetering this way and that way, touched by both but in neither.

I am aware of such hope and such terrifying potential and such doubt because of all that has come before…

But He said the era of failure is over and that hope will not be deferred any longer. And that we are in a time of fruit (think orchards)… and that time will not go back anymore. Only forward.

That’s what scares me. I have no idea what is coming, well no idea HOW it will come.

My heart aches to be in the BBC (TV). To be God’s witness there. To write stories that send ripples across the UK and the world because they are so full of God’s truth. To speak to actors and directors and fellow writers, etc and let God use me to awaken their hearts to His outrageous love for them.

It hurts. Hope hurts.

8 days to go. I have completed three drafts of my script for the BBC Sharps contest. I am really, really encouraged by this whole process. With how quickly the story has come to me and what an incredible act of… worship it has been, involving God in the process.

Jesus is a great writer. In fact, He is the Word.

I think I am beginning to understand that.

I will send off my script to BBC Writer’s Room in a week. Then… we wait.

This is mad. I am so hopeful I might explode.

I had this thought last night, about how everything is connected… or rather, everything eventually connects. Everything about who I am and how I am is part of this journey that I have been on since conception. And it’s like that with everyone. I’m not talking about the negative influences or badness here. I’m talking about the good, true things about who we are. The stuff that when we were kids was untarnished and then… got interrupted and off kilter with time and disappointment and deferral of dreams, and… misinterpretations of who we are. (I was wrong about who I was. I was absolutely wrong. I am so much more.)

What if who we were when we were tiny is who we really are and all the stuff in the middle is nonsense? Sometimes, I think that is the very key to everything, to happiness and to really becoming yourself. Look back not forward. Remember that sense of adventure, the hope, the dreams the feelings that you could do anything? Grab that, embrace it, weave it in. Then look forward with all of that fuel. You can’t help but fly.

After reconciling with little me, I am seeing such healing… healing in ways I can’t describe. Now, thankfully, my femininity is being restored to me. And I am growing into the kind of woman I’ve thought other people could be but not me.

What if I really succeed? What will it be like WHEN I succeed? When I reach my dream? Who will I be?

I will be myself. The 5 year old and the adult, running in circles in the meadows, laughing and dreaming boldly about love, and about all those impossible things which are really possible.

So here’s the thing:

I live in what I consider the best country in the best city in the world. I love it here. I love my friends, my flat, even my crazy p/t job with Waste Innovations. And I love all that has happened since God brought me here. He has provided immeasurably more than I could have hoped for.

Right now is the craziest time in my life. Especially… RIGHT. NOW. This moment. I feel like I may explode either from hope or from stress. Because everything I want seems to be colliding into a great big cocktail of possibility and it’s, well… it is astonishing but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a forward momentum, but still not quite there yet.

But what will I do if I DO get there? What if this time I really do succeed?

How does one cope with the prospect of success, of fulfillment, after so much failure?

I don’t know.

I really feel like I will get to go to London, and do this BBC Sharps thing, go the whole way with it and yet my script isn’t done. 16 days and counting. How can I believe somewhere inside me that much when I know the facts?

I don’t know. It’s just a feeling in my gut.

It hurts. But it’s brilliant.

Oh, help!

I’m not sure how to describe how I feel right now. Everything is mad. But brilliant at the same time. God is doing amazingly cool, crazy-awesome things. And the devil is not happy. Which, really, is quite brilliant. Except that at the moment I feel rather spastic. Frantic.

I have such hope of things to come. I am dreaming up/and of the impossible as if it all were possible and speaking words I didn’t think I’d be able to speak… words that spill out from somewhere deep inside me, words which are wise and surprise me.

I’m currently working on a script to enter into the BBC’s Sharps contest (a search for new TV drama writing talent) in hopes of getting one of 20 spots for a workshop in the Summer (which could lead to one of 8 week long placements). I am really hopeful and excited, so much so that my head is spinning.

It’s like I am overstimulated, oversaturated… overloaded and overbusy.

But I am thankful.

Because this is my life. And I am who I want to be (mostly… I’m getting there). I am where I want to be. And I am closer than I have ever been to my God, my Lord, my King. I am becoming. I am emerging. And though I may burst into pink confetti, everything will be okay. Even better. It’ll be fantastic!

But if you pray, please do pray for protection, peace, continued financial provision and perseverence (4 p’s!) for me right now.

My head is so full.

My spirit is quaking within me.

I’m on fire. Bursting. I am praying for more, more manifestation of God’s spirit. More prophetic words, more tongues, more wisdom, interpretation, boldness, courage, strength, roar, confidence. And in everything there is this sense of love, hope, and strangeness because… because… I am becoming and I am simultaneously. Sometimes I can’t take it. I try to balance it all like twirling plates but He just says ‘why are you doing that?’

He is the sun and the wind. He is everything.

The world is changing.

Time is not what it once was.

I am flying, and learning that there is more to me even than wings.

With white feet of angels seven
Her white feet go glimmering;
And above the deep of heaven,
Flame on flame, and wing on wing.
- W.B. Yeats

I feel You, electric. Sharp, thick in the air. Your spark bringing goose-bumps, tingly feelings on my pale skin just now removed from shrouds of winter and rain to face the sun. I blink. I feel You. Hovering, moving through the air I must breathe to survive. You are my oxygen. You are my hope.

The revelation of Your love is baffling. Sometimes the weight of it crushes me and I can’t bare to even fathom looking up for fear of seeing Your face and dying.

But lately, I find myself rejoicing in Your love. I rejoice because You are dancing. You leap over me, rejoicing in song. Instead of weighing, I feel free, I feel lifted and light and fully alive.

My heart is captured. It is not available. It is taken, captured, enraptured. My heart is woven into Your heart. Your heartbeat, my heartbeat, even for a moment, just a moment of rhythm unfathomable.

Yes, love and hope are interconnected. My wound will be my gift. I will bring hope because You restore hope to me. I will be feminine and strong, because You restore my femininity, my weakness then my strength. I understand. I may forget tomorrow, but right now it makes perfect sense.

Perfect, because You are perfect. Glorious one, my love.

Wonder upon wonders, this ancient soul will see. My soul is integrated with this land you brought me to and wonder upon wonders we will bring. In stone circles and highland ’scapes… bold, beauty in the dust arising. My soul is awake. My soul is hoping. My soul is loved.

It is not about Your word, though Your word is life. It, this, is about Your love. Deep, unfathomable, astonishing. Miraculous love.

Thank you.

Process

I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.
I am lifting and heaving
and driving in spikes.
It’s a process,
a slow process.
Slow and steady.
But I have this feeling…
I will not finish.
I have this feeling
the train will come
sooner than I think,
and it will fly
right off the end
and go on it’s own.
Soaring.
A magic train
to an unfathomable destination
even greater,
and more surprising
than I can imagine.
I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.

I was awoken at 3am by a disturbing dream involving an actress named Billie Piper. At first I wondered whether the dream was a result of some sort of attack, but the dream did not instill fear in me. When I awoke I felt strongly that God was telling me to pray for Billie and to get others to pray. So I did.

The day continued like that with YWAM Scotland prayer day. We prayed for her, for our friends and loved ones, and for each other. There was this strong sense of the spirit of God hovering, being present with us, really speaking and revealing.

I had this image of laying down tracks, railroad tracks. And God said “you are on the right track.” There was lots of talk of things to come and healing to come and big things that are daunting to me to think of. It was a day of encouragement, of hope, of… curiousity and focus on God’s power and wonders.

And it began with a dream that sparked me to pray for a stranger.

Sometimes, lately, I think my future may be more surprising and more amazing than I think.

And when I think that I realize… I have changed.

I am beginning to live in hope. I am beginning to hope not just for little things but for the impossible. And my hope is defiant and wild and strong.

Yes, Lord. Yes.

I used to dream in the dark
listless breaths and long cobwebbed corridors
where moths flickered aimlessly
waiting to die
and screaming for more.
I used to dream in the dark.

Now I dream in the day
bright eyes sparkling with possibility
staring out over wide horizons
and wondering, blinking and dreaming
in gasping breaths of expectation.
Now I dream in the day.

I carry the burden of hope
like love unfulfilled, beating in my chest
painful, but alive, waiting to break forth
screaming and cold like a newborn child,
a miracle formed in the depths.

I’ve gone months without internet at the flat (hence the reason for being so behind on updating this thing). Now that we have it again, it’s almost overwhelming. What? I can use the internet whenever I want? Imagine that!

Where do I begin? I have been learning so much. God has been really speaking, surprising me with out of the blue encounters and words like…

WATCH ME BLESS YOU

in the middle of a folk music concert. And there’s so much more. But I’ve been wondering lately, about this whole missions thing as a writer/artist. It feels strange sometimes that this could be called missions. But it is. Why is it?

because while I hope one day to make my living off my writing, I also hope even more to ignite change with my writing, to see people waking to their potential, their dreams, their destinies.

I keep feeling this ridiculously strong desire to belong here even more. I don’t want to be an outsider forever. I am praying for a way to belong, to become Scottish, really. And the only way I can see that really happening is marriage. But I also long to write for BBC, to write shows for the public and really make an impact in Britain as a storyteller… Britain, then the world.

Is it possible?

Not by my own strength. But boy am I praying. I am fighting. Feeling my warrior awake through words, creativity, faith and the discovery of a hope thought long lost.

This is madness.

We’re developing a film to shoot in October. And I really think that will be the start of something. Well, every day seems to be the start of something lately.

And not just another day. But the start of this life, the real thing. Destiny and desire fulfilling bit by bit, breath by breath.

God of wonders, do your thing.

 I went to Paisley again for the YWAM New Staff Orientation on Tuesday. It was a welcome change, getting out of the city for a day to do something different.

During a time of prayer several things were revealed to me. One, was that God is a gardener, and He is preparing the soil, and planting, setting down roots for me in Scotland. Other things included living in the moment

because tomorrow will take care of itself.

Having fun with God… finding the funny, pointing to the true.

But also, God said to me through several people…

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away with me.”

He acknowledged my femininity and desire to be captivating and beautiful and responded with lovely words that blessed my heart. I want to run through the fields with Him and be fully confident in the moment with Him, rejoicing always even when I don’t know how things will turn out.

Yes, let’s live that sort of life!

This womb is empty
longing to stretch, to birth.
“Lonely womb, I did not know.
You cried in the desert and in this land full of
green, rolling hills and destiny that I didn’t know
could be held in small hands searching for release.”
I am barren, but full of life.
“Hush, now, little one.
The time has not yet come
but I feel you in the dark, whispering
of possibility.”
And I know.
“The tears you cried have sown,
have been drunk by parched earth
waiting to fulfill its destiny.”
Like me.
We will be,
we will accomplish all that we were made for.
Yes. But not yet.
Not quite.
Soon.

Right now I feel that I am in the middle of a crisis, but finding words to explain this, is not easy. There’s nothing outwardly wrong. And yet I feel… lost. I ache.

Is it a spiritual thing? Some sort of attack? Or something else?

I think yes. I think there is a lot going on. A lot of different factors.

I am exactly where I belong, my destiny is close. I am living for God and delving into my dreams and calling and yet… I feel empty and I feel, a crisis.

I could really use your prayers.

There’s been a lot of things happening and I haven’t been able to keep you up to date. Sorry about that. I have a proper post coming, but in the meantime…

I have been filming (and directing & editing) short films for the Western European Leadership Conference in the Netherlands. I have also been settling into my flat, getting to know my wonderful flat-mates, and rehearsing the one-woman show, which debuts this May 16 & 17 at the Edinburgh Rush Festival.

As of today, I’m really feeling encouraged about life and my brain is teeming with ideas for short films and plays. It’s exciting! I was just so encouraged this morning and feeling such joy at realizing and really relishing in the fact that I live in the UK and I adore it here. I really do.

God is providing in ways that I just hadn’t expected.

22/04/2008

Do not go gently into the quietness, your sword limply falling from your hand. Oh souls, that speak in the dark of light and dreams. Do not go gently into the nothing… of lack of, lack of, lack of release.

Do not flounder here while you wait, waiting for the birth of what you’ve been waiting for. Do not give up. Do not waffle and waver in this valley of bones. They will awake! But you must hold tight.

Hold tight to the sword in your hands. Raise your shield. Roar.

Do not go gently!

Rage, for your soul is dying not by might but hope deferred and now fear of hope fulfilled. You are afraid of what might be, and content to dwell in the absent spaces, content to believe you are

nothing.

But you know they are liars. They who speak of this nothingness and wear it as a cloak, then pass it on down generations and generations. Warriors told to slump in battle and cry all the way home.

You know there is more! So fight. Write. Dream. Live. LOVE mightily and with a warrior’s passion that is untamable. You are untamable butterfly-child, warrior of the light. DO NOT GO GENTLY into the sickening quietness that would seek to lull you to passivity, and passive dreams that never never come true.

Awake. And rage against the sighing. Breathe in your destiny in a moment of fury at those who seek to press you down. Rage against the voices in yourself that seek to squash you also. Oh, do not be defeated.

Do not go gently.

24/02/2008

I have been realizing some things about my life, how things have been leading up to how they are. And I finally think it makes a kind of sense through life with God. I felt a call to leave my home, Canada. I felt a call to write and spark change and do something important. All I knew then in my small mind was L.A. So I went. I went twice… and I learned what it was like to live away from home in a foreign land as a foreign girl with little money, dependent on others and on God. The first time, though I didn’t want to leave, I felt like it would be too hard to stay. I was running out of money and I knew getting a work visa would be next to impossible.

Something about it didn’t feel right. So I went back to Vancouver, did some theatre stuff, travelled, then went back to L.A, to try again, this time to much less success and harder times. When I left to return to Vancouver this second time, I hated returning but didn’t feel like staying in L.A. was right either. Something was just not there. Something didn’t feel quite how it should. Not that I knew how it should feel.

Then I came back, worked at Starbucks and earned some money. But I still felt restless to be somewhere other than Canada and my parents home. I longed to go back to L.A. where my friends were and where I felt my heart was.

And God closed the border to me so I couldn’t go. He took that forward momentum in my spirit and directed it East to Toronto where I worked, grew, lived and spent 6 months unemployed seeking only God and growing in faith. And even during those first 6 months God brought up the idea of Scotland, of YWAM. Even then, though He put it off for a year, time enough for me to grow and change and be ready and raise funds so I could go. He tore down the walls of what I thought was impossible and sent me farther from home than I had ever been only to discover that this, here in Scotland, is where I belong. Where I had never been. That is home.

A while ago, when I was doubting, questioning, I couldn’t understand why God would let me feel that desire for L.A., and it made me worry if I was wrong about Scotland. But this morning I see with clarity. It was not wrong or misplaced for me to feel that. It was just…part of the journey. My mind had not yet expanded its vision enough to realize that God’s ways are greater than mine and the world is smaller than I think. All this stuff in me, my dreams, how I am at the very deep core. Things that whispered in me for decades… those things, God knew them. He made them. And He patiently worked with me to teach me and equip me so I could end up here, in Scotland, writing, praying, dependent on God, stretching myself in many ways, and at home in a foreign land. Who knew?

Well, God did.

And for that I am so thankful!!!!

There has been a lot on my mind lately. Stories, and creative things as well as spiritual and practical things. My mind is a very busy place! Especially right now.

This morning at base meeting we did this thing where we prayed and listened to hear what God thought of each member of the team. About their identity. Then we each had a sheet of paper on our backs and went around writing words down for each person. It was awesome. And what was written on my sheet surprised me…

And you know, I keep fretting about money. I keep panicking and feeling this sinking feeling like all will crumble and fall, but God keeps saying that I need to trust him.

The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in want.

I may have to find a p/t job, and that’s okay. I will survive. I will have enough and even more. Last night when I was praying about my finances I had this picture of a vine, and a flower blossoming and I thought “fruit”… and how Jesus is the vine. I also once again heard “trust me”. But I have been so caught up in worries and feeling like if I trust completely I am somehow not doing enough. That I ought to be working harder instead of just trusting. And it is true, but I also need to rest. Part of trusting God is resting in Him. It is acknowledging that He is good and trustworthy and not fretting, cos He’s got me. I am intricately woven into His vine and will bear fruit… and have fruit to eat as well.

He has proved Himself time and again. Why do I doubt?

Because it’s scary.

But perfect love casts out fear. And if Christ is in me, and He is love as God is love and they are one, then fear should not reside in me. Fear is then squished in like someone sitting on an already full seat, pressing down heavy and unwelcome. But God is love abounding in and around me and He provides. He is a great provider. He loves to give and bless as we are giving and bless others. I need to remember this.

I also need to not be shut up. I am still struggling to find boldness and courage with my voice. I know I need to speak out more in groups but it still is hard for me to find my voice there. I pray for more of God’s spirit to embolden me and more of His courage to fuel me on and open my mouth to speak when I must, even if I am afraid of how my words will be taken.

Yes.

I trust You, Lord because you are trustworthy and good. And even though I don’t always understand Your ways, and following them is often hard, I believe that Your way is best and that You know what your doing and will not abandon me. I am asking for your blessing and trusting that it will come!

He has provided me an amazing flat, and great flatmates, and many other things. I feel so blessed.

 But also concerned about the next few months as far as provision goes, financially. Please continue to pray for me regarding funds so that I can stay and continue to do what God has called me to do.

I trust you, Lord. I do.

This living by faith thing sure is interesting…

In my hands is a cloak. An invisible, tangible darkness well-worn and old. Caught in a moment of rage at indescribable things I picked it up and wore it proud while cutting skin and bleeding mind.

But black-eyed and mouth open wide, you spoke to me in the wee hours of morning, fighting for justice with all your might. Not false self, but true self… true blue. Caught and stuck for years under painted eyes and a silent scream.

I’m sorry.

I was born to laugh and be joyful. I was not born for shadows and rage. But I felt it, I felt it in my tiny fists. I felt the need to know sorrow as I cut deep into my own skin and hugged the shadows like a warm blanket of knowing. I was wrong.

I was wrong. And I let the ghost of lies seep in and plague me. Seep in and silence myself, seep in and take fake form over truth.

Until you came and shook me. And woke me up.

“No more. No more.”

Release.

Little girl, 8 years old, kicks my shin.

She sits on my lap, curls up, arms around my neck. “I love you.”

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.

“It’s okay. Move on.”

She is defiant with laughter and a courageous hope for her destiny.

She is me.

I found a flat.

It’s further out of town than I thought I would be willing to go… but it’s absolutely incredibly gorgeous. High Ceilings, old fashioned, newly renovated, garden out back, lovely landlords, etc etc. I can’t believe I’m going to live there. So what if it takes me a while to get into and around town when I get to go home to THAT.

I feel so silly (once again) for doubting. God provides, and He WILL provide. Yay!

Right now, I am praying for someone who wants to donate a bus pass to me every month (£35/month). And more support, etc. But in general I am just happy that I have found a place to call home that is THAT gorgeous.

Praise God!!!

I’ve been feeling weighted.

I don’t like living “in between.” I really long to be settled.

The past week I have felt so blessed and also so weighted. My brain is full and I’m having a hard time connecting thoughts in conversations. I feel like I am a butterfly flapping madly, trying to figure out where to land. I need some nectar.

But I’ve been thinking about how God is. How when we come to Him with all this stuff, He responds immediately. He listens. He loves. He embraces and more than puts up with. I hate that I flit at times. That I fret over things even though I KNOW God has me. I hate that. But He is good and He keeps blessing anyway, especially when I do stand still and look to Him with arms wide, caught in a cool breeze for a moment.

If only I could remember that He is my nectar… and find a way to taste it’s sweetness even when I am numb and full of junk and weighted.

(I really don’t like living in limbo.
Praying for a flat that fits me soon.)

I’ve been going through old writings and poems, compiling them for a book project I’m working on. And one thing I have been realizing/reminded of is how truly, seriously, honestly trustworthy God is.

And how the impossible things in life seem to be the things that are actually the best. Because they are actually possible.

Everything is going to be okay. I will find a flat of my own to live in. I will be provided for. And my desires will come forth in a tree of life!

Today was a day of inspiration (in spite the fact that I woke up at 8:30am, decided I wasn’t ready to face the world and went back to sleep for another hour). Once fully awake, I embraced the wonder of beautiful sunshine in Scotland and took myself, my camera and notebook out for a walk to explore my human doll character, and to work on capturing a mood visually.

The exercise proved quite fruitful in uplifting my spirits and inspiring me… and also in making me realize just how much I love black & white photography.

I’m still developing the character’s motivations and psychology but realizing how intricately her ability to act/react seems to be connected to my ability to recognize the changes that have occured in my life.

What I mean is: she is often just responding to what’s been done to her, taking the hit. I have too. But she’s a fighter. And I am a fighter.

And there does come a point when the fight has to come out one way or another. This is something I am realizing. And I do mean realize-ing (making real). I’m learning how to fight. How to overcome. I am learning how to be myself without just reacting to others opinions and ideas, but by acting and taking action that is my own.

It’s a process.

…the protagonist cannot be passive.

She has to eventually take action for the things that have been done to her and fight. She must fight for her life. If she remains passive she is not a hero but merely a figure.

We can’t have that.

Action is important. It is pivotal. It is what defines.

So give her action. Let her do what she must do to win the battle and be who she was born to be.

Yesterday, while walking down Leith Walk (after seeing a lovely film called “Penelope”), I couldn’t help smiling. I felt loved, free, happy and inspired. Cos of a film. Cos of a film that spoke to me.

And you know… I really love when that happens. When little blessings are huge blessings cos they surprise you. I love that.

What I don’t love is when little negative things become big things that kick you into the dirt. It seems so hard to clean that off and go on. It’s still a bit tough going for me right now. I’m having to fight in a way I don’t like to fight cos these lies are wanting to devour.

But I am rising above. I am defeating them.

I think one of the hardest things for an artist, or perhaps anyone, to realize is that you can be brilliant without ever achieving anything. You can be fantastic at something even if you haven’t gotten ‘there’ yet.

That’s hard for me. It’s hard to have faith in myself anyway, but without what often feels like proof of my abilities, I feel… maybe my gifts aren’t really gifts but just illusions of gifts.

But that’s a lie.

I am a writer. I’m a good writer. And I’m young. Most of my favourite writers are in their 40s and 50s. I have time. I will reach my potential.

And the liars and just liars. They will be crushed.

Dream darling, dream… and persevere. The potential is actually actual. It just needs to come to fruition. So go. Keep going.

Do not give up.

Yesterday something happened. I let a thought slip into my brain… a seemingly harmless thought that said ‘this is all too good to be true.’

And I let that seemingly harmless thought swim around my brain till it brought in friends who set up chairs and sat around and had tea with hopeless and purposeless thoughts.

And I panicked.

I still don’t feel fully free of them. I hate how easy it is to listen to a lie, to give sway to the great mocker.

Right now, this thing about hope in me is that it’s like a sore that has healed. But the skin is still fresh and a bit tender. Don’t you hate when people poke the tender spots or when you accidentally bump it on something?

No, the Lord has promised me good things, hope fulfilled and dreams accomplished and PROVISION and wonder. He’s done it before. He’s promised to do it again (and in bigger ways than before). This is a year of faith, hope, trust and birth.

ALL SHALL BE WELL!

He brought me out of Egypt to the promised land.

And it really is the promised land.

No, I don’t know how things will really turn out. But I have more faith, more hope, more trust and joy than I could have thought possible.

And I am discovering that even the things I love, the passions I have, they are expanding too, along with the faith and trust and hope.

There’s more to me, too. I don’t JUST want to write (I will write, I must write, but I want to do more too).

I want to see people reach their true potential. I want to see people rise from the dust of their lives and face the sun, face the truth of who they are, the best of themselves. I want to see the world changed by people waking up and being emboldened to live gloriously, unselfishly, not settling for ordinary but fighting for extraordinary and positive change.

Maybe I’m just a dreamer.

But it’s a lovely dream. Don’t you think?

I officially got prayed in to the YWAM Edinburgh team today during our base meeting. Feels good. It was a great meeting, and I somehow managed to sum up my time in DTS in an apparently mostly coherent manner. Not quite sure what all I said, but people seemed to be pleased with it. So that’s good

Did some praying re: finances and projects today (and also just more settling into Edinburgh stuff) and am getting really excited about a couple of projects in particular. Won’t go into details yet, but you’ll hear more eventually.

In general I have to say that I am totally happy and excited about this life I get to live!

And I am gonna keep fighting the fight and writing the write and working hard to do all of that to the best of my ability and beyond. Thank God for adventure and wonders and change and all that good stuff. I am so ridiculously hopeful, it’s nuts!

Still wondering about finances and where I should live (whose flat/where, etc…) and seeking wisdom and direction on that. So please keep praying.

I really believe all shall be well somehow.

I woke up today feeling both tired and motivated at the same time, still plagued by the annoying, persistency of a headache, but in general feeling positive.

I have been working on the newest re-write of my newest short film set in Edinburgh (making it an actual narrative instead of just an emotional roller-coaster of crazy imagery). It’s getting better, which is good.

I’ve also been sipping on hot chocolate ALL day and feel like if I drink anymore chocolate I may start seeping it from my pores (eeeeeew).

I spent some time this morning just praying and talking to God about friends and new ideas/projects (though plan to do more of that tonight) and I am trying to suss out what exactly to tell the team about my time in Paisley and Egypt and what all has happened. How does one go about summing up 5 months in 5-10 minutes??

All shall be well.

I am really excited about the big list of projects we are working on. Some abstract and uber creative, others…. well I’d like to start a writer’s group, and am working to develop a ministry for young women questioning their sexuality who otherwise would feel (and in many places be) rejected by the church, who just really need a place to talk and pray/be prayed for. I talked briefly to the pastor of my new church here and it seems like there is really a need for it and people are excited. It scares me a bit, but also excites me.

In the mean-time: YWAM Edinburgh really needs to raise funds for all these ministries and things. We’re putting on a music show 7 March and we’re going to be selling some things (more details soon).

We have also created this ‘Tenner Campaign,’ which asks for contributions of £10 or $10 per month for those who are able. It’s easy to participate, and we gratefully appreciate your prayer and consideration about giving to YWAM Edinburgh. Read about the Tenner campaign here!

I personally, am still praying and in need of on-going monthly support. If you or someone you know of can help, please let me know!

Okay… enough about money.

God is good and provides! Wheee faith! What an adventure!

I am tired of lies.

I’m tired of the ‘great mocker’ putting thoughts in my head or my friends’ heads, or into the minds and hearts of people around me. I’m tired of injustice and oppression. I’m so sick of the devil. I am so sick of the dark. I hate it.

I am tired of seeing my friends beat down by shadows and sadness that plagues them. I am tired of people being bound by things that are untrue, trapped by falsity.

Enough. Enough. You’ve had your turn. The darkness has had rule of this land, of our hearts for long enough. It’s time for the light.

Awake o sleepers, rise up from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy!

It’s time for justice. Do not whimper, child. Whimper no more.

It’s time to stand and roar.

The devil tried to bend me over. He literally got my shoulders and bent me down in pain. I couldn’t stand properly. I was hunched. We prayed and it shifted so I could stand tall again. You know what that does to me? That doesn’t make me afraid. It makes me angry!

Roar. Roar, oh Lion of Judah. Roar with all your might. Bring on your justice!

Yes, the Lord is good.

I realized from the fact that I have spent the day stuffing myself with sugary things again (oy). That I have been filling myself up with things that aren’t satisfying, and that it has been a little bit since I really sat with God and heard from Him on my own. I miss Him when I don’t do that. I need my time to sit alone with God.

So I shut the door, turned off the TV and the computer, and praised Him trustfully. Trust is a big theme. I declared my trust and felt it. I believed it. I believe He is trustworthy and a loving provider.

I saw myself walking through the woods again… but He didn’t just take my hand. He scooped me up like a husband and bride. And I noticed I was wearing a dress, with bare feet. So relaxed.

He carried me to a hammock in the middle of a warm, lush green wood and gently placed me in the hammock. He stroked my cheek and stepped back ever so slightly.

Then a man stepped forward, reaching out to me. And God smiled. And the man smiled down at me and I lifted my hand to him. Our arms caught and held on. Both men smiled down at me and I started to cry. I felt so loved, peaceful, provided for, cherished.

Rest. Rest in me. In my love, my provisions and plans.

And Psalm 23 came to mind again:

“He restores my soul… He makes me lie down in green pastures… my cup overflows… goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”

I’ve got so many projects… and settling in to do. And still praying for provision, a flat, stepping into my own here as staff and as a creative force instead of a creative pot-hole (haha).

I have to remind myself that it doesn’t ALL have to be done tomorrow. Don’t freak out, Kim. Work, be dedicated, persistent. But don’t panic (42)!

It’s really interesting to be me right now… in this place of dreams and hopes and unknown. I’m laughing constantly while tying myself into knots of thoughts and then unravelling again. Am I a slinky?

Life is good and I am happy.

But my brain continues to be a playground… sometimes at night (dark and somewhat disturbing) and other times on a sunshiney summer day with lollipops.

Hmmm…

Last night we prayed. For hours.

Didn’t go to bed till after 2 a.m.

It was so good and this is just the beginning!

I’m beginning to process more. Feeling more able to understand why things have happened and what’s on my heart and why.

But also feeling a greater appreciation for the history of my life. For what has come before and the things that compel me.

The types of stories.

I will be writing more. And with more clarity.

It’s exciting!

And whispers of promise flitting about like fireflies, giddy and eager to unveil a long hidden secret.

My brain is so full. I am full of ideas and wonders and thoughts. But it isn’t bad. There isn’t negativity there, for once there is just fullness and this revelation that life really is on the edge for me, and that the pathway, though seeming to be hidden, falls right under my feet on the open sky. I am so free and trusted and hoped for and my hopes can be laid out as my feet… into the wide open without fear of falling.

Cos it is true, you know? I’ve been out here on this sky-way for months, maybe years… and I am still walking. My foundation is not on the earth, or under the earth, or in a rope or a plane or something man-made but in Christ who is a light and whose words spoke the earth into being.

He who makes wonder from dust is a true artist indeed.

I choose to trust and believe and continue to walk on the open sky without fear of failure or deferral or falling. Because He has promised me desire fulfilled if I but walk and push forward with my dreams. He has promised to sustain my life.

And I trust Him.

I’m feeling a bit small and wide-eyed right now.

It is so cool to be back here in Edinburgh, to be entering into this new thing, life, journey, destiny, etc. But right now I feel a bit… overwhelmed… or perhaps the better word is baffled by the scope of my dreams, and what I’ve been lead into.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s too good to be true. There just seems to be such blessing and promise of more!

It’s not that I can’t handle it. Rather, it’s that there is so much and I am SO excited about it all. But it’s a lot of work, and time, and dedication. And if the time is now. If this is a time of birth, and yes, and coming to fruition, of hope fulfilled instead of deferred, then that is glorious and hopeful and exciting… and busy!

I cannot let go of God’s hand. And I cannot dare to forget His promises and the things that have been spoken over me.

So, I will allow myself to blink a bit and settle and find my bearings again here, but I also must plunge in feet first and dream and write and plan and hope and pray and trust with all my might. Cos isn’t that it?

Isn’t that the true thing? To know that it isn’t just acceptance or belief…

Believing is one thing, accepting is one thing, but the true, real crazy part of the journey is when you take His hand and listen when He says those fateful words…

“Run”

And you do. And you never stop.

Hand in hand, you keep running and you keep growing until you are more yourself and then more and then more… until one day He doesn’t have to grab your hand. You are grabbing His. You are whole and together.

It’s about trust. And it’s ruthless.

Brilliant.

I made it safely back to Edinburgh thanks to Molly and Hannah who escorted me and helped with my heavy luggage (THANK YOU!). We had chocolate soup, wandered the Mile, and played at the Museum of Childhood (paper fortunes: “I see a man in a blue box”). Heehee!

Twas a good, if wet, day. I am really happy to be back in Edinburgh, though my spirit is kinda butterfly-fluttery and definitely feeling strange about the fact that DTS is really over and I don’t know when I will see those girls, who became like sisters to me, again. Doesn’t feel real yet. Feels like I’m just having a long weekend or something. I am so thankful for everything that has happened and how I have grown and my perspective has  changed, etc etc. Life is good.

Praying and writing and working is starting already. It’s good. And I’m excited to see what comes next. Good things. Good, good things from a good God. Yep.

Today when I awoke I had to fight again to keep the hopeful feelings going. Sometimes facing the unknown is really hard. Especially when you know the journey is not likely to be predictable.

It will take dedication, perseverance… trust.

I’ve begun to re-write my most recent short film in the hopes of telling it better. I want to ensure that the artsiness of it does not take away from telling a good & moving story. I have a talent for imagery, and am determined to combine this with good narrative. I really want this film to be one that will move people, and that is also doable, shootable with a low budget.

It’s an interesting process. All of this. Daily I feel simultaneously equipped, ready, full of purpose, and useless, unprepared.

But I can’t seem to help it. Where I am on this journey? It’s crazy. I am birthing so much. I can feel it all kicking and urgent in my belly and soul. The need to write better than I have ever written. To be a leader. To communicate truth. To pray and fight. And hope.

To step into full capacity in all things.

It is overwhelming at times. But with God’s help, I will succeed. I have to.

This time is what I was created for, what I have longed for.

I am flying. And I pray I have what it takes, with His help, to step into destiny properly, knowing that even if I fail I will still have my identity, but also that in some sense failure is not an option…

Once the birthing process begins, it cannot be stopped. It is inevitable.

It’s official. DTS is over. We’ve graduated. Tonight we head to the pub to celebrate.
It’s weird cos I have been waiting for this for months. I couldn’t wait to get back to Edinburgh. I was hesitant to begin this journey, and had a rough start. Then God used it. Used me. Changed me. Taught me.

And I am not the same, which is wonderful, beyond words even.

We had a great ceremony this morning, a fun slideshow, lots and lots of really awesome prayer and words spoken, (some which surprised me! There’s this theme of me with flowers…) and a speech and toast to each of us from Gabe. He even got choked up! Wasn’t expecting that. It was quite moving and encouraging.

I’ve started cleaning and packing up my stuff. It feels good, but strange.

I’m feeling really hopeful. God will not abandon me. And this next phase I feel is going to be about more releasing and more transforming and stepping into destiny and boy am I excited! I’m also really just hopeful and giddy about how God is going to provide… and is already!!

There’s so much. I feel, right now, that I may burst from hope and just this feeling of baffled happiness…. SO much going on! Stepping into a new ministry, leadership, pondering a school of intercession (in September?!!), learning to hear God’s voice more, learning more and more what it means to be a “woman of words” and a follower of Christ. SO MUCH STUFF! It’s gonna be a good year, a blessed year, a birthing year. Hope restored, and come to fruition, and new things and…

Whoo!

I prayed for adventure and it has been and now it will be even more and I am SO blessed by this DTS, by YWAM, by the people I have met and all I have learned and experienced, even dare I say it… my time in Egypt.

All is well. All shall be well.

I just have to say, that I love the people in my life. Pretty much all of them. I love how random people are. I love how they bless me or surprise me or challenge me… even how sometimes they annoy and humble me. I love the hope. The potential. I love hoping for people. Praying and hoping.

I love that people aren’t predictable (not really).

And I love that I can love people so much and have such hope for them that it makes me laugh, cry, scream, ache, and rejoice (sometimes all at once!)

So I want to say thank you. Thank you for being you. For being in my life in whatever capacity that you are in it, and for being brilliant. No, not smart, though some of you are very smart. I mean brilliant as in FANTASTIC. Cos you are. You really are.

[And my husband, whoever you are, wherever you are. Hurry up and cross my path already, I've got so much to tell you about the last 27 years! Heehee.]

Okay, I’m done. No more posts for today. G’night!

Writing. It is a plague. Sometimes. Haha.

Sometimes it is a wonder.

We just watched Shakespeare in Love, some of the girls and I. Aside from being sappy and over-sexed at times, the writer stuff made me smile. I love Shakespeare because he’s so dramatic and brilliant and silly. So it inspired me.

Not that I think I will ever be a Shakespeare (and I am okay with that), but with the idea that writers must write. Because words are powerful and important.

I have this script, it’s been bugging me so much because there’s so much good possibility, good characters, etc… but it’s not quite working. And I’ve been going mad. But today I realized it doesn’t matter. If this script never works (I’m sure it will, but that’s besides the point), I’ll be okay. I’ll still be a writer and my words will still matter because God has told me to write. And therefore there is power, and purpose.

So I will keep writing and keep working with God to tell the kinds of stories and words that matter and communicate and change lives.

This is really living, isn’t it? Faith. Perseverance. Striving for good even when it seems difficult or impossible. Sometimes I hate being human.

Right now I love it!

This is my new blog. Thanks for following me over here from blogger. It had let me down one time to many and I am hoping this new home for my ramblings, prayers, and thoughts will be sufficient for quite some time.

I discovered this quote the other day and I really enjoy it:

“each one of us bears an unwritten biography whose chapters contain unheard of turns of fortune and unheralded feats of heroism.” - Tad Dunnel