If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.

So I’m not going to tell you. Yet.

by Lithium-Tears

There’s an undercurrent pulling me under and every blood vessel, cell, atom of me, is screaming out. To be free. Death seems to hover like a ghost in long robes, smiling in her victory. She’s been waiting.

But as her robes float out over the waves I reach up, catch hold and tug. I come up for air. She screams, not me, (unexpected) when I rise out of the current and breathe deeply, gasping in relief, victorious. I am a warrior of light, not too easily pressed down. But I notice she’s not screaming at me anymore. She’s pointing. Pointing at you. You, standing at the shore, a staff held in your hands, eyes locked on me. And I move, dripping, to your side as if this is normal and not miraculous. You smile.

And when I get to you, you tell me she was not Death but Fear. We kiss and Fear retreats. All that’s left is to speak. But I am most wary of my voice. You hold my hand and I am bold. We share the staff. “I love you.” It’s not too soon because it’s always been. I’ve been waiting. It’s taken a long time to reach you, to believe you were real. But here we are now.

There’s an undercurrent pulling me into you. And this laughter is victorious, and this love is deep.

I suppose it’s time I should update you on the progress of my MA. It’s the last week before Christmas holidays. Unit 1 is finishing up. I am returning to Edinburgh for a Scottish Christmas, reunions with friends, and a break from studying. I’m leaving on the 21st and this gives me next week to try to gather all the sound bits/bytes that I need for my radio documentary ’soundscape’ piece. Still not quite sure how that is going to turn out but it is encouraging to know that it will be over soon, regardless of the outcome (heh. Does that sound positive or fatalistic? Not sure).

My first MA script project has, in my opinion, turned out quite brilliantly and I am very excited to see about getting it made. I think I have really begun to grasp just how much story you can fit into small moments, and short scripts which I think will have a very positive effect as I progress throughout the course to longer scripts. Despite my fear of this radio doc, and the big narrative essay project (both due early January), I am loving this course, the people, being in the south of England, all of it. I feel like life is expanding.

I’m so glad I didn’t settle.

I am very happy. And very hopeful. But I’ll try to refrain from too much sap at this juncture as this particular post is meant to be more Uni based. But I will say that this is quite an adventure. And I am very pleased to discover that God really does come through on His promises, even if later than we think.

It’s a miraculous time: lights everywhere, mulled wine, mince pies, carols and wonder. I love Christmas time.

(I especially love that, this year, I have a wonderful man to share it with.)

How things change. I had a tutorial this morning at the Uni, spent time discussing my script and radio documentary projects. I feel I need to push myself harder with my studies. To set some time to dive deeper. It’s very strange to have these two dividing parts. When I am with him it’s all consuming and hard to think of much else. But after I go back to lectures I am able to pull away just enough to think about stories.

My life seems to be treading softly and boldly into new territories simultaneously.

And when I look back on this year at its close, I am reminded that I began it in Edinburgh, worried about money, unsure of the future… and I am ending 2009 in Edinburgh as well, re-united with friends, my needs taken care of, surrendered to whatever future God has for me, thankful for His provision, and His unexpected miracles.

Even in my Uni-related-stress I am thankful for this time. I won’t be exchanging presents. Instead my friends and I are exchanging words, quality time, hugs. No spending, other than spending time. It’s a different sort of thing. But I think exactly what it’s meant to be. Not all these capitalistic ideas which force people into debt. Give cos you want to give. And be thankful. I am so thankful.

My heart is exploding.

So I know it’s early but I just wanted to say… you’re special. You matter. You’re a gift to this world whether you know it or not. You have great things to do and be, things which come from your core. Good things. You are loved.

HAPPY/MERRY CHRISTMAS!

by jessss31

I am so nervous. And yet when he holds my hand, when I find myself touching his arm, leaning in closer almost without noticing, and catching glimpses of our smiles bouncing off each other, I feel so safe and so thankful. Happy.

We stood in Salisbury Cathedral and it felt like heaven. He and me. The history and reverence and magic. Music and candlelight. Chatting about God and walking so slowly around, taking each moment in step by step, looking up.

I am so nervous. But it feels right.

It feels like someone’s working in our favour. Impromptu choir concert in the cathedral, holding hands on yet another light celebration in another city not either of ours, singing carols, praying… discovering his favourite author is doing a signing at the bookshop just as we happened to stroll by.

I didn’t know this is what it would be like. But I think this is very good.

Life is very strange and very beautiful and my heart is expanding and my stories new and old are reaching out to be told.

And Salisbury Cathedral became one of my favourite places in the world.

You know how when you were little you dreamt about things and thought “that’ll never happen.” But you kept dreaming it anyway… because it was a good dream?

One of my impossible dreams came true last night and I have to say. It’s so much better when it’s real and it was worth the wait. And the best part? It’s still early. This is just beginning.

“It feels right with you here by my side.”

Sometimes it’s the little things that make me happy.

So I decided that I like this blog. I miss it! The other Uni blog isn’t really happening so… I’m back! I have, however, started contributing to Thinking Big, Writing Small! along with six of my coursemates.

I am now fully into the swing of University and daily confronting many of my fears and having to look self doubt in the face and learn to deal with her. I’ve managed to finish a first draft of my first Uni short film and I’m quite excited about it. We’re doing rehearsed readings this week which should be interesting. The entire MA media school will be listening in on a first script draft. Eep! Sounds exciting and also a bit scary. Pretty much sums up things so far. It’s hard work but I am beginning at last to settle and enjoy.

Also? I met someone. The kind of someone you always hope you’ll meet but don’t really expect to. On Thursday he held my hand as we ran through town centre right as the Christmas lights were switched on. Magic.

I can’t quite believe I’ve only been here for three weeks.

She grips her belt. Tight. A woman on the edge. Gripping the leather between her fingers as if it were a noose. She pulls it free. Her trousers drop slightly, resting on her hips. She whips the belt around in her hands and pulls it slack.

She moves with determination toward the other. Another woman across the room, stiff and determined in her stiffness. She has sticks strapped to her arms and legs, keeping her wide and stiff. She’s proud. She’s pale and awkward, but proud.

The First One moves toward the second, the belt in her fists, sweat on her brown, down her arms, legs, and belly. She doesn’t speak until she’s close.

The Stiff One stares out, accusing. “What? What do you want? You know I own you. I’m the reason you exist.”

“Just try to hit me.”

She tries.

The First One, with her trousers falling lose while she walks confidently, laughs at the awkward offense of the stiff one.

“I can do this. They told me I could.”

“Why did you believe them?”

She struggles against the wood straps. “They sang it. In a song. They shouted it from a pulpit. They said life would be better this way.”

She, the First, watches, tensing and relaxing the belt in her hands. Then with one swift movement she turns the weapon on the other. She smacks the belt through the air. WHAP! And it hits the Stiff One’s skin.

A scream of pain.

“What the heck?”

“You can’t even say it.”

“What?”

“Fuck. Fuck it. Fuck this time and place. It’s your fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

Whack. Another smack, right across her chest. The pale skin breaks open. She yells. “Why are you doing this?”

“Aren’t you free? Aren’t you better? Show me!”

The Stiff One struggles but she can’t. Her arms are stuck. She hops forward.

“Stop it!”

Another whack and crack, like a whip. More blood. More screams.

She moves forward. Her trousers fall. She steps away from them, pulls off her shirt. She stands, naked, before the other. She puts her arms out.

“Come and get me.”

The Stiff One looks away, closes her eyes tight. “I don’t… no. That’s bad.”

She walks forward. She brings the whip with her. She moves with grace and determination and anger. Then… she gets close, leaning into the pale skin, a finger touching the blood. The stiff one winces. “Stop.”

“Are you human?”

She leans in. Kisses her.

“Stop.”

“I’m tired of you. I’m tired of looking at you.”

“What?”

She leans back. She takes the whip. “I could kill you.”

The Stiff One is panicked. “But they said. This was for my own good. They said… oh God. Please.”

She kisses her again. The Stiff One kisses back. A moment of strange and awkward passion. Then the Stiff One pulls away, guilty.

“It’s not about sex.” the First One says. “it’s about being human. Why are you guilty over a kiss? It doesn’t define you or me. You are human. We’re meant to touch and feel.”

“I want to go home.”

The First One steps back. She drops the belt. She steps back, but keeps her eyes locked. She steps into her trousers and shirt as if rewinding a tape.

She pulls up her trousers. She licks her lips and smiles.

“You are home, sweetie. If you want to be free… well, then you need to tell them to leave.”

She turns around and walks away.

The Stiff One stares at the belt on the floor. She looks down at her blood. She turns and looks along the length of her stretched out arm and screams.

Just a heads up so you don’t all think I’ve died or something. I’m not going to post on here much for a while.

I will however, say that being back in the UK is so far not what I expected. Winton at least does not feel like home. Though this may be cos I haven’t seen much of it yet and my room is tiny and closet-like. But I suspect the less than desirable-ness of my flat and the town will help me focus on why I’m here instead of me just getting lost in the pretty… or something. I’m excited to properly enroll in person on Monday and dive into things on Tuesday. I’m also eager to get my student loans form signed and sent off so that the money can get into my bank account. Being a student means I am poor again. Poor and in debt. Whee! I’m very nervous but excited.

It’s still the beginning.