TARDIS TRAVELER

So here’s the thing:

I live in what I consider the best country in the best city in the world. I love it here. I love my friends, my flat, even my crazy p/t job with Waste Innovations. And I love all that has happened since God brought me here. He has provided immeasurably more than I could have hoped for.

Right now is the craziest time in my life. Especially… RIGHT. NOW. This moment. I feel like I may explode either from hope or from stress. Because everything I want seems to be colliding into a great big cocktail of possibility and it’s, well… it is astonishing but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a forward momentum, but still not quite there yet.

But what will I do if I DO get there? What if this time I really do succeed?

How does one cope with the prospect of success, of fulfillment, after so much failure?

I don’t know.

I really feel like I will get to go to London, and do this BBC Sharps thing, go the whole way with it and yet my script isn’t done. 16 days and counting. How can I believe somewhere inside me that much when I know the facts?

I don’t know. It’s just a feeling in my gut.

It hurts. But it’s brilliant.

Oh, help!

I’m not sure how to describe how I feel right now. Everything is mad. But brilliant at the same time. God is doing amazingly cool, crazy-awesome things. And the devil is not happy. Which, really, is quite brilliant. Except that at the moment I feel rather spastic. Frantic.

I have such hope of things to come. I am dreaming up/and of the impossible as if it all were possible and speaking words I didn’t think I’d be able to speak… words that spill out from somewhere deep inside me, words which are wise and surprise me.

I’m currently working on a script to enter into the BBC’s Sharps contest (a search for new TV drama writing talent) in hopes of getting one of 20 spots for a workshop in the Summer (which could lead to one of 8 week long placements). I am really hopeful and excited, so much so that my head is spinning.

It’s like I am overstimulated, oversaturated… overloaded and overbusy.

But I am thankful.

Because this is my life. And I am who I want to be (mostly… I’m getting there). I am where I want to be. And I am closer than I have ever been to my God, my Lord, my King. I am becoming. I am emerging. And though I may burst into pink confetti, everything will be okay. Even better. It’ll be fantastic!

But if you pray, please do pray for protection, peace, continued financial provision and perseverence (4 p’s!) for me right now.

My head is so full.

My spirit is quaking within me.

I’m on fire. Bursting. I am praying for more, more manifestation of God’s spirit. More prophetic words, more tongues, more wisdom, interpretation, boldness, courage, strength, roar, confidence. And in everything there is this sense of love, hope, and strangeness because… because… I am becoming and I am simultaneously. Sometimes I can’t take it. I try to balance it all like twirling plates but He just says ‘why are you doing that?’

He is the sun and the wind. He is everything.

The world is changing.

Time is not what it once was.

I am flying, and learning that there is more to me even than wings.

With white feet of angels seven
Her white feet go glimmering;
And above the deep of heaven,
Flame on flame, and wing on wing.
- W.B. Yeats

I feel You, electric. Sharp, thick in the air. Your spark bringing goose-bumps, tingly feelings on my pale skin just now removed from shrouds of winter and rain to face the sun. I blink. I feel You. Hovering, moving through the air I must breathe to survive. You are my oxygen. You are my hope.

The revelation of Your love is baffling. Sometimes the weight of it crushes me and I can’t bare to even fathom looking up for fear of seeing Your face and dying.

But lately, I find myself rejoicing in Your love. I rejoice because You are dancing. You leap over me, rejoicing in song. Instead of weighing, I feel free, I feel lifted and light and fully alive.

My heart is captured. It is not available. It is taken, captured, enraptured. My heart is woven into Your heart. Your heartbeat, my heartbeat, even for a moment, just a moment of rhythm unfathomable.

Yes, love and hope are interconnected. My wound will be my gift. I will bring hope because You restore hope to me. I will be feminine and strong, because You restore my femininity, my weakness then my strength. I understand. I may forget tomorrow, but right now it makes perfect sense.

Perfect, because You are perfect. Glorious one, my love.

Wonder upon wonders, this ancient soul will see. My soul is integrated with this land you brought me to and wonder upon wonders we will bring. In stone circles and highland ’scapes… bold, beauty in the dust arising. My soul is awake. My soul is hoping. My soul is loved.

It is not about Your word, though Your word is life. It, this, is about Your love. Deep, unfathomable, astonishing. Miraculous love.

Thank you.

Process

I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.
I am lifting and heaving
and driving in spikes.
It’s a process,
a slow process.
Slow and steady.
But I have this feeling…
I will not finish.
I have this feeling
the train will come
sooner than I think,
and it will fly
right off the end
and go on it’s own.
Soaring.
A magic train
to an unfathomable destination
even greater,
and more surprising
than I can imagine.
I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.

I was awoken at 3am by a disturbing dream involving an actress named Billie Piper. At first I wondered whether the dream was a result of some sort of attack, but the dream did not instill fear in me. When I awoke I felt strongly that God was telling me to pray for Billie and to get others to pray. So I did.

The day continued like that with YWAM Scotland prayer day. We prayed for her, for our friends and loved ones, and for each other. There was this strong sense of the spirit of God hovering, being present with us, really speaking and revealing.

I had this image of laying down tracks, railroad tracks. And God said “you are on the right track.” There was lots of talk of things to come and healing to come and big things that are daunting to me to think of. It was a day of encouragement, of hope, of… curiousity and focus on God’s power and wonders.

And it began with a dream that sparked me to pray for a stranger.

Sometimes, lately, I think my future may be more surprising and more amazing than I think.

And when I think that I realize… I have changed.

I am beginning to live in hope. I am beginning to hope not just for little things but for the impossible. And my hope is defiant and wild and strong.

Yes, Lord. Yes.

I used to dream in the dark
listless breaths and long cobwebbed corridors
where moths flickered aimlessly
waiting to die
and screaming for more.
I used to dream in the dark.

Now I dream in the day
bright eyes sparkling with possibility
staring out over wide horizons
and wondering, blinking and dreaming
in gasping breaths of expectation.
Now I dream in the day.

I carry the burden of hope
like love unfulfilled, beating in my chest
painful, but alive, waiting to break forth
screaming and cold like a newborn child,
a miracle formed in the depths.

I’ve gone months without internet at the flat (hence the reason for being so behind on updating this thing). Now that we have it again, it’s almost overwhelming. What? I can use the internet whenever I want? Imagine that!

Where do I begin? I have been learning so much. God has been really speaking, surprising me with out of the blue encounters and words like…

WATCH ME BLESS YOU

in the middle of a folk music concert. And there’s so much more. But I’ve been wondering lately, about this whole missions thing as a writer/artist. It feels strange sometimes that this could be called missions. But it is. Why is it?

because while I hope one day to make my living off my writing, I also hope even more to ignite change with my writing, to see people waking to their potential, their dreams, their destinies.

I keep feeling this ridiculously strong desire to belong here even more. I don’t want to be an outsider forever. I am praying for a way to belong, to become Scottish, really. And the only way I can see that really happening is marriage. But I also long to write for BBC, to write shows for the public and really make an impact in Britain as a storyteller… Britain, then the world.

Is it possible?

Not by my own strength. But boy am I praying. I am fighting. Feeling my warrior awake through words, creativity, faith and the discovery of a hope thought long lost.

This is madness.

We’re developing a film to shoot in October. And I really think that will be the start of something. Well, every day seems to be the start of something lately.

And not just another day. But the start of this life, the real thing. Destiny and desire fulfilling bit by bit, breath by breath.

God of wonders, do your thing.

 I went to Paisley again for the YWAM New Staff Orientation on Tuesday. It was a welcome change, getting out of the city for a day to do something different.

During a time of prayer several things were revealed to me. One, was that God is a gardener, and He is preparing the soil, and planting, setting down roots for me in Scotland. Other things included living in the moment

because tomorrow will take care of itself.

Having fun with God… finding the funny, pointing to the true.

But also, God said to me through several people…

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away with me.”

He acknowledged my femininity and desire to be captivating and beautiful and responded with lovely words that blessed my heart. I want to run through the fields with Him and be fully confident in the moment with Him, rejoicing always even when I don’t know how things will turn out.

Yes, let’s live that sort of life!

This womb is empty
longing to stretch, to birth.
“Lonely womb, I did not know.
You cried in the desert and in this land full of
green, rolling hills and destiny that I didn’t know
could be held in small hands searching for release.”
I am barren, but full of life.
“Hush, now, little one.
The time has not yet come
but I feel you in the dark, whispering
of possibility.”
And I know.
“The tears you cried have sown,
have been drunk by parched earth
waiting to fulfill its destiny.”
Like me.
We will be,
we will accomplish all that we were made for.
Yes. But not yet.
Not quite.
Soon.

Right now I feel that I am in the middle of a crisis, but finding words to explain this, is not easy. There’s nothing outwardly wrong. And yet I feel… lost. I ache.

Is it a spiritual thing? Some sort of attack? Or something else?

I think yes. I think there is a lot going on. A lot of different factors.

I am exactly where I belong, my destiny is close. I am living for God and delving into my dreams and calling and yet… I feel empty and I feel, a crisis.

I could really use your prayers.