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I completed my script and sent it off. It got there ridiculously fast. And now I wait. I wait for a week and a few days to find out whether I am going to London for 30 June.

I feel numb, or just baffled. Like feeling is too much right now so I am just kinda half feeling and wobbling to and fro in the inbetween-lands wondering if I am going to transition sooner than I think into that land of hope fulfilled… or whether I will stay here a while longer leaning only on trust for those dreams. But the scary thing is more that I will succeed. What does success feel like? What does it feel like to be fulfilled in that kind of deep dream?

I don’t know. I will know soon…

Working on this script has been… intense. Humbling. Worship. I’ve never experienced Jesus so close to me when writing before. But I can feel Him in this, in every sentence and word. In the story and the mystery. In the character’s questions and arcs. Wow.

I am feeling very strange lately because something new has opened up before me. I feel like I am walking in the middle of two worlds, in a no-man’s land. Walking and teetering this way and that way, touched by both but in neither.

I am aware of such hope and such terrifying potential and such doubt because of all that has come before…

But He said the era of failure is over and that hope will not be deferred any longer. And that we are in a time of fruit (think orchards)… and that time will not go back anymore. Only forward.

That’s what scares me. I have no idea what is coming, well no idea HOW it will come.

My heart aches to be in the BBC (TV). To be God’s witness there. To write stories that send ripples across the UK and the world because they are so full of God’s truth. To speak to actors and directors and fellow writers, etc and let God use me to awaken their hearts to His outrageous love for them.

It hurts. Hope hurts.

Yesterday, while walking down Leith Walk (after seeing a lovely film called “Penelope”), I couldn’t help smiling. I felt loved, free, happy and inspired. Cos of a film. Cos of a film that spoke to me.

And you know… I really love when that happens. When little blessings are huge blessings cos they surprise you. I love that.

What I don’t love is when little negative things become big things that kick you into the dirt. It seems so hard to clean that off and go on. It’s still a bit tough going for me right now. I’m having to fight in a way I don’t like to fight cos these lies are wanting to devour.

But I am rising above. I am defeating them.

I think one of the hardest things for an artist, or perhaps anyone, to realize is that you can be brilliant without ever achieving anything. You can be fantastic at something even if you haven’t gotten ‘there’ yet.

That’s hard for me. It’s hard to have faith in myself anyway, but without what often feels like proof of my abilities, I feel… maybe my gifts aren’t really gifts but just illusions of gifts.

But that’s a lie.

I am a writer. I’m a good writer. And I’m young. Most of my favourite writers are in their 40s and 50s. I have time. I will reach my potential.

And the liars and just liars. They will be crushed.

Dream darling, dream… and persevere. The potential is actually actual. It just needs to come to fruition. So go. Keep going.

Do not give up.

Yesterday something happened. I let a thought slip into my brain… a seemingly harmless thought that said ‘this is all too good to be true.’

And I let that seemingly harmless thought swim around my brain till it brought in friends who set up chairs and sat around and had tea with hopeless and purposeless thoughts.

And I panicked.

I still don’t feel fully free of them. I hate how easy it is to listen to a lie, to give sway to the great mocker.

Right now, this thing about hope in me is that it’s like a sore that has healed. But the skin is still fresh and a bit tender. Don’t you hate when people poke the tender spots or when you accidentally bump it on something?

No, the Lord has promised me good things, hope fulfilled and dreams accomplished and PROVISION and wonder. He’s done it before. He’s promised to do it again (and in bigger ways than before). This is a year of faith, hope, trust and birth.

ALL SHALL BE WELL!