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I’ve been feeling weighted.

I don’t like living “in between.” I really long to be settled.

The past week I have felt so blessed and also so weighted. My brain is full and I’m having a hard time connecting thoughts in conversations. I feel like I am a butterfly flapping madly, trying to figure out where to land. I need some nectar.

But I’ve been thinking about how God is. How when we come to Him with all this stuff, He responds immediately. He listens. He loves. He embraces and more than puts up with. I hate that I flit at times. That I fret over things even though I KNOW God has me. I hate that. But He is good and He keeps blessing anyway, especially when I do stand still and look to Him with arms wide, caught in a cool breeze for a moment.

If only I could remember that He is my nectar… and find a way to taste it’s sweetness even when I am numb and full of junk and weighted.

(I really don’t like living in limbo.
Praying for a flat that fits me soon.)

I’ve got so many projects… and settling in to do. And still praying for provision, a flat, stepping into my own here as staff and as a creative force instead of a creative pot-hole (haha).

I have to remind myself that it doesn’t ALL have to be done tomorrow. Don’t freak out, Kim. Work, be dedicated, persistent. But don’t panic (42)!

It’s really interesting to be me right now… in this place of dreams and hopes and unknown. I’m laughing constantly while tying myself into knots of thoughts and then unravelling again. Am I a slinky?

Life is good and I am happy.

But my brain continues to be a playground… sometimes at night (dark and somewhat disturbing) and other times on a sunshiney summer day with lollipops.

Hmmm…

I’m feeling a bit small and wide-eyed right now.

It is so cool to be back here in Edinburgh, to be entering into this new thing, life, journey, destiny, etc. But right now I feel a bit… overwhelmed… or perhaps the better word is baffled by the scope of my dreams, and what I’ve been lead into.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s too good to be true. There just seems to be such blessing and promise of more!

It’s not that I can’t handle it. Rather, it’s that there is so much and I am SO excited about it all. But it’s a lot of work, and time, and dedication. And if the time is now. If this is a time of birth, and yes, and coming to fruition, of hope fulfilled instead of deferred, then that is glorious and hopeful and exciting… and busy!

I cannot let go of God’s hand. And I cannot dare to forget His promises and the things that have been spoken over me.

So, I will allow myself to blink a bit and settle and find my bearings again here, but I also must plunge in feet first and dream and write and plan and hope and pray and trust with all my might. Cos isn’t that it?

Isn’t that the true thing? To know that it isn’t just acceptance or belief…

Believing is one thing, accepting is one thing, but the true, real crazy part of the journey is when you take His hand and listen when He says those fateful words…

“Run”

And you do. And you never stop.

Hand in hand, you keep running and you keep growing until you are more yourself and then more and then more… until one day He doesn’t have to grab your hand. You are grabbing His. You are whole and together.

It’s about trust. And it’s ruthless.

Brilliant.

I made it safely back to Edinburgh thanks to Molly and Hannah who escorted me and helped with my heavy luggage (THANK YOU!). We had chocolate soup, wandered the Mile, and played at the Museum of Childhood (paper fortunes: “I see a man in a blue box”). Heehee!

Twas a good, if wet, day. I am really happy to be back in Edinburgh, though my spirit is kinda butterfly-fluttery and definitely feeling strange about the fact that DTS is really over and I don’t know when I will see those girls, who became like sisters to me, again. Doesn’t feel real yet. Feels like I’m just having a long weekend or something. I am so thankful for everything that has happened and how I have grown and my perspective has  changed, etc etc. Life is good.

Praying and writing and working is starting already. It’s good. And I’m excited to see what comes next. Good things. Good, good things from a good God. Yep.