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Working on this script has been… intense. Humbling. Worship. I’ve never experienced Jesus so close to me when writing before. But I can feel Him in this, in every sentence and word. In the story and the mystery. In the character’s questions and arcs. Wow.

I am feeling very strange lately because something new has opened up before me. I feel like I am walking in the middle of two worlds, in a no-man’s land. Walking and teetering this way and that way, touched by both but in neither.

I am aware of such hope and such terrifying potential and such doubt because of all that has come before…

But He said the era of failure is over and that hope will not be deferred any longer. And that we are in a time of fruit (think orchards)… and that time will not go back anymore. Only forward.

That’s what scares me. I have no idea what is coming, well no idea HOW it will come.

My heart aches to be in the BBC (TV). To be God’s witness there. To write stories that send ripples across the UK and the world because they are so full of God’s truth. To speak to actors and directors and fellow writers, etc and let God use me to awaken their hearts to His outrageous love for them.

It hurts. Hope hurts.

So here’s the thing:

I live in what I consider the best country in the best city in the world. I love it here. I love my friends, my flat, even my crazy p/t job with Waste Innovations. And I love all that has happened since God brought me here. He has provided immeasurably more than I could have hoped for.

Right now is the craziest time in my life. Especially… RIGHT. NOW. This moment. I feel like I may explode either from hope or from stress. Because everything I want seems to be colliding into a great big cocktail of possibility and it’s, well… it is astonishing but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a forward momentum, but still not quite there yet.

But what will I do if I DO get there? What if this time I really do succeed?

How does one cope with the prospect of success, of fulfillment, after so much failure?

I don’t know.

I really feel like I will get to go to London, and do this BBC Sharps thing, go the whole way with it and yet my script isn’t done. 16 days and counting. How can I believe somewhere inside me that much when I know the facts?

I don’t know. It’s just a feeling in my gut.

It hurts. But it’s brilliant.

Oh, help!

I’m not sure how to describe how I feel right now. Everything is mad. But brilliant at the same time. God is doing amazingly cool, crazy-awesome things. And the devil is not happy. Which, really, is quite brilliant. Except that at the moment I feel rather spastic. Frantic.

I have such hope of things to come. I am dreaming up/and of the impossible as if it all were possible and speaking words I didn’t think I’d be able to speak… words that spill out from somewhere deep inside me, words which are wise and surprise me.

I’m currently working on a script to enter into the BBC’s Sharps contest (a search for new TV drama writing talent) in hopes of getting one of 20 spots for a workshop in the Summer (which could lead to one of 8 week long placements). I am really hopeful and excited, so much so that my head is spinning.

It’s like I am overstimulated, oversaturated… overloaded and overbusy.

But I am thankful.

Because this is my life. And I am who I want to be (mostly… I’m getting there). I am where I want to be. And I am closer than I have ever been to my God, my Lord, my King. I am becoming. I am emerging. And though I may burst into pink confetti, everything will be okay. Even better. It’ll be fantastic!

But if you pray, please do pray for protection, peace, continued financial provision and perseverence (4 p’s!) for me right now.

My head is so full.

My spirit is quaking within me.

I’m on fire. Bursting. I am praying for more, more manifestation of God’s spirit. More prophetic words, more tongues, more wisdom, interpretation, boldness, courage, strength, roar, confidence. And in everything there is this sense of love, hope, and strangeness because… because… I am becoming and I am simultaneously. Sometimes I can’t take it. I try to balance it all like twirling plates but He just says ‘why are you doing that?’

He is the sun and the wind. He is everything.

The world is changing.

Time is not what it once was.

I am flying, and learning that there is more to me even than wings.

With white feet of angels seven
Her white feet go glimmering;
And above the deep of heaven,
Flame on flame, and wing on wing.
- W.B. Yeats

Process

I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.
I am lifting and heaving
and driving in spikes.
It’s a process,
a slow process.
Slow and steady.
But I have this feeling…
I will not finish.
I have this feeling
the train will come
sooner than I think,
and it will fly
right off the end
and go on it’s own.
Soaring.
A magic train
to an unfathomable destination
even greater,
and more surprising
than I can imagine.
I am building a railroad track,
laying it down.

 I went to Paisley again for the YWAM New Staff Orientation on Tuesday. It was a welcome change, getting out of the city for a day to do something different.

During a time of prayer several things were revealed to me. One, was that God is a gardener, and He is preparing the soil, and planting, setting down roots for me in Scotland. Other things included living in the moment

because tomorrow will take care of itself.

Having fun with God… finding the funny, pointing to the true.

But also, God said to me through several people…

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away with me.”

He acknowledged my femininity and desire to be captivating and beautiful and responded with lovely words that blessed my heart. I want to run through the fields with Him and be fully confident in the moment with Him, rejoicing always even when I don’t know how things will turn out.

Yes, let’s live that sort of life!

There has been a lot on my mind lately. Stories, and creative things as well as spiritual and practical things. My mind is a very busy place! Especially right now.

This morning at base meeting we did this thing where we prayed and listened to hear what God thought of each member of the team. About their identity. Then we each had a sheet of paper on our backs and went around writing words down for each person. It was awesome. And what was written on my sheet surprised me…

And you know, I keep fretting about money. I keep panicking and feeling this sinking feeling like all will crumble and fall, but God keeps saying that I need to trust him.

The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in want.

I may have to find a p/t job, and that’s okay. I will survive. I will have enough and even more. Last night when I was praying about my finances I had this picture of a vine, and a flower blossoming and I thought “fruit”… and how Jesus is the vine. I also once again heard “trust me”. But I have been so caught up in worries and feeling like if I trust completely I am somehow not doing enough. That I ought to be working harder instead of just trusting. And it is true, but I also need to rest. Part of trusting God is resting in Him. It is acknowledging that He is good and trustworthy and not fretting, cos He’s got me. I am intricately woven into His vine and will bear fruit… and have fruit to eat as well.

He has proved Himself time and again. Why do I doubt?

Because it’s scary.

But perfect love casts out fear. And if Christ is in me, and He is love as God is love and they are one, then fear should not reside in me. Fear is then squished in like someone sitting on an already full seat, pressing down heavy and unwelcome. But God is love abounding in and around me and He provides. He is a great provider. He loves to give and bless as we are giving and bless others. I need to remember this.

I also need to not be shut up. I am still struggling to find boldness and courage with my voice. I know I need to speak out more in groups but it still is hard for me to find my voice there. I pray for more of God’s spirit to embolden me and more of His courage to fuel me on and open my mouth to speak when I must, even if I am afraid of how my words will be taken.

Yes.

I trust You, Lord because you are trustworthy and good. And even though I don’t always understand Your ways, and following them is often hard, I believe that Your way is best and that You know what your doing and will not abandon me. I am asking for your blessing and trusting that it will come!

In my hands is a cloak. An invisible, tangible darkness well-worn and old. Caught in a moment of rage at indescribable things I picked it up and wore it proud while cutting skin and bleeding mind.

But black-eyed and mouth open wide, you spoke to me in the wee hours of morning, fighting for justice with all your might. Not false self, but true self… true blue. Caught and stuck for years under painted eyes and a silent scream.

I’m sorry.

I was born to laugh and be joyful. I was not born for shadows and rage. But I felt it, I felt it in my tiny fists. I felt the need to know sorrow as I cut deep into my own skin and hugged the shadows like a warm blanket of knowing. I was wrong.

I was wrong. And I let the ghost of lies seep in and plague me. Seep in and silence myself, seep in and take fake form over truth.

Until you came and shook me. And woke me up.

“No more. No more.”

Release.

Little girl, 8 years old, kicks my shin.

She sits on my lap, curls up, arms around my neck. “I love you.”

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.

“It’s okay. Move on.”

She is defiant with laughter and a courageous hope for her destiny.

She is me.

I found a flat.

It’s further out of town than I thought I would be willing to go… but it’s absolutely incredibly gorgeous. High Ceilings, old fashioned, newly renovated, garden out back, lovely landlords, etc etc. I can’t believe I’m going to live there. So what if it takes me a while to get into and around town when I get to go home to THAT.

I feel so silly (once again) for doubting. God provides, and He WILL provide. Yay!

Right now, I am praying for someone who wants to donate a bus pass to me every month (£35/month). And more support, etc. But in general I am just happy that I have found a place to call home that is THAT gorgeous.

Praise God!!!

I’ve been feeling weighted.

I don’t like living “in between.” I really long to be settled.

The past week I have felt so blessed and also so weighted. My brain is full and I’m having a hard time connecting thoughts in conversations. I feel like I am a butterfly flapping madly, trying to figure out where to land. I need some nectar.

But I’ve been thinking about how God is. How when we come to Him with all this stuff, He responds immediately. He listens. He loves. He embraces and more than puts up with. I hate that I flit at times. That I fret over things even though I KNOW God has me. I hate that. But He is good and He keeps blessing anyway, especially when I do stand still and look to Him with arms wide, caught in a cool breeze for a moment.

If only I could remember that He is my nectar… and find a way to taste it’s sweetness even when I am numb and full of junk and weighted.

(I really don’t like living in limbo.
Praying for a flat that fits me soon.)

I am tired of lies.

I’m tired of the ‘great mocker’ putting thoughts in my head or my friends’ heads, or into the minds and hearts of people around me. I’m tired of injustice and oppression. I’m so sick of the devil. I am so sick of the dark. I hate it.

I am tired of seeing my friends beat down by shadows and sadness that plagues them. I am tired of people being bound by things that are untrue, trapped by falsity.

Enough. Enough. You’ve had your turn. The darkness has had rule of this land, of our hearts for long enough. It’s time for the light.

Awake o sleepers, rise up from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy!

It’s time for justice. Do not whimper, child. Whimper no more.

It’s time to stand and roar.

The devil tried to bend me over. He literally got my shoulders and bent me down in pain. I couldn’t stand properly. I was hunched. We prayed and it shifted so I could stand tall again. You know what that does to me? That doesn’t make me afraid. It makes me angry!

Roar. Roar, oh Lion of Judah. Roar with all your might. Bring on your justice!

Yes, the Lord is good.

I realized from the fact that I have spent the day stuffing myself with sugary things again (oy). That I have been filling myself up with things that aren’t satisfying, and that it has been a little bit since I really sat with God and heard from Him on my own. I miss Him when I don’t do that. I need my time to sit alone with God.

So I shut the door, turned off the TV and the computer, and praised Him trustfully. Trust is a big theme. I declared my trust and felt it. I believed it. I believe He is trustworthy and a loving provider.

I saw myself walking through the woods again… but He didn’t just take my hand. He scooped me up like a husband and bride. And I noticed I was wearing a dress, with bare feet. So relaxed.

He carried me to a hammock in the middle of a warm, lush green wood and gently placed me in the hammock. He stroked my cheek and stepped back ever so slightly.

Then a man stepped forward, reaching out to me. And God smiled. And the man smiled down at me and I lifted my hand to him. Our arms caught and held on. Both men smiled down at me and I started to cry. I felt so loved, peaceful, provided for, cherished.

Rest. Rest in me. In my love, my provisions and plans.

And Psalm 23 came to mind again:

“He restores my soul… He makes me lie down in green pastures… my cup overflows… goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”

And whispers of promise flitting about like fireflies, giddy and eager to unveil a long hidden secret.

My brain is so full. I am full of ideas and wonders and thoughts. But it isn’t bad. There isn’t negativity there, for once there is just fullness and this revelation that life really is on the edge for me, and that the pathway, though seeming to be hidden, falls right under my feet on the open sky. I am so free and trusted and hoped for and my hopes can be laid out as my feet… into the wide open without fear of falling.

Cos it is true, you know? I’ve been out here on this sky-way for months, maybe years… and I am still walking. My foundation is not on the earth, or under the earth, or in a rope or a plane or something man-made but in Christ who is a light and whose words spoke the earth into being.

He who makes wonder from dust is a true artist indeed.

I choose to trust and believe and continue to walk on the open sky without fear of failure or deferral or falling. Because He has promised me desire fulfilled if I but walk and push forward with my dreams. He has promised to sustain my life.

And I trust Him.

Today when I awoke I had to fight again to keep the hopeful feelings going. Sometimes facing the unknown is really hard. Especially when you know the journey is not likely to be predictable.

It will take dedication, perseverance… trust.

I’ve begun to re-write my most recent short film in the hopes of telling it better. I want to ensure that the artsiness of it does not take away from telling a good & moving story. I have a talent for imagery, and am determined to combine this with good narrative. I really want this film to be one that will move people, and that is also doable, shootable with a low budget.

It’s an interesting process. All of this. Daily I feel simultaneously equipped, ready, full of purpose, and useless, unprepared.

But I can’t seem to help it. Where I am on this journey? It’s crazy. I am birthing so much. I can feel it all kicking and urgent in my belly and soul. The need to write better than I have ever written. To be a leader. To communicate truth. To pray and fight. And hope.

To step into full capacity in all things.

It is overwhelming at times. But with God’s help, I will succeed. I have to.

This time is what I was created for, what I have longed for.

I am flying. And I pray I have what it takes, with His help, to step into destiny properly, knowing that even if I fail I will still have my identity, but also that in some sense failure is not an option…

Once the birthing process begins, it cannot be stopped. It is inevitable.

I just have to say, that I love the people in my life. Pretty much all of them. I love how random people are. I love how they bless me or surprise me or challenge me… even how sometimes they annoy and humble me. I love the hope. The potential. I love hoping for people. Praying and hoping.

I love that people aren’t predictable (not really).

And I love that I can love people so much and have such hope for them that it makes me laugh, cry, scream, ache, and rejoice (sometimes all at once!)

So I want to say thank you. Thank you for being you. For being in my life in whatever capacity that you are in it, and for being brilliant. No, not smart, though some of you are very smart. I mean brilliant as in FANTASTIC. Cos you are. You really are.

[And my husband, whoever you are, wherever you are. Hurry up and cross my path already, I've got so much to tell you about the last 27 years! Heehee.]

Okay, I’m done. No more posts for today. G’night!

Writing. It is a plague. Sometimes. Haha.

Sometimes it is a wonder.

We just watched Shakespeare in Love, some of the girls and I. Aside from being sappy and over-sexed at times, the writer stuff made me smile. I love Shakespeare because he’s so dramatic and brilliant and silly. So it inspired me.

Not that I think I will ever be a Shakespeare (and I am okay with that), but with the idea that writers must write. Because words are powerful and important.

I have this script, it’s been bugging me so much because there’s so much good possibility, good characters, etc… but it’s not quite working. And I’ve been going mad. But today I realized it doesn’t matter. If this script never works (I’m sure it will, but that’s besides the point), I’ll be okay. I’ll still be a writer and my words will still matter because God has told me to write. And therefore there is power, and purpose.

So I will keep writing and keep working with God to tell the kinds of stories and words that matter and communicate and change lives.

This is really living, isn’t it? Faith. Perseverance. Striving for good even when it seems difficult or impossible. Sometimes I hate being human.

Right now I love it!