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So here’s the thing:

I live in what I consider the best country in the best city in the world. I love it here. I love my friends, my flat, even my crazy p/t job with Waste Innovations. And I love all that has happened since God brought me here. He has provided immeasurably more than I could have hoped for.

Right now is the craziest time in my life. Especially… RIGHT. NOW. This moment. I feel like I may explode either from hope or from stress. Because everything I want seems to be colliding into a great big cocktail of possibility and it’s, well… it is astonishing but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a forward momentum, but still not quite there yet.

But what will I do if I DO get there? What if this time I really do succeed?

How does one cope with the prospect of success, of fulfillment, after so much failure?

I don’t know.

I really feel like I will get to go to London, and do this BBC Sharps thing, go the whole way with it and yet my script isn’t done. 16 days and counting. How can I believe somewhere inside me that much when I know the facts?

I don’t know. It’s just a feeling in my gut.

It hurts. But it’s brilliant.

Oh, help!

I’m not sure how to describe how I feel right now. Everything is mad. But brilliant at the same time. God is doing amazingly cool, crazy-awesome things. And the devil is not happy. Which, really, is quite brilliant. Except that at the moment I feel rather spastic. Frantic.

I have such hope of things to come. I am dreaming up/and of the impossible as if it all were possible and speaking words I didn’t think I’d be able to speak… words that spill out from somewhere deep inside me, words which are wise and surprise me.

I’m currently working on a script to enter into the BBC’s Sharps contest (a search for new TV drama writing talent) in hopes of getting one of 20 spots for a workshop in the Summer (which could lead to one of 8 week long placements). I am really hopeful and excited, so much so that my head is spinning.

It’s like I am overstimulated, oversaturated… overloaded and overbusy.

But I am thankful.

Because this is my life. And I am who I want to be (mostly… I’m getting there). I am where I want to be. And I am closer than I have ever been to my God, my Lord, my King. I am becoming. I am emerging. And though I may burst into pink confetti, everything will be okay. Even better. It’ll be fantastic!

But if you pray, please do pray for protection, peace, continued financial provision and perseverence (4 p’s!) for me right now.

I’ve been feeling weighted.

I don’t like living “in between.” I really long to be settled.

The past week I have felt so blessed and also so weighted. My brain is full and I’m having a hard time connecting thoughts in conversations. I feel like I am a butterfly flapping madly, trying to figure out where to land. I need some nectar.

But I’ve been thinking about how God is. How when we come to Him with all this stuff, He responds immediately. He listens. He loves. He embraces and more than puts up with. I hate that I flit at times. That I fret over things even though I KNOW God has me. I hate that. But He is good and He keeps blessing anyway, especially when I do stand still and look to Him with arms wide, caught in a cool breeze for a moment.

If only I could remember that He is my nectar… and find a way to taste it’s sweetness even when I am numb and full of junk and weighted.

(I really don’t like living in limbo.
Praying for a flat that fits me soon.)

I’ve been going through old writings and poems, compiling them for a book project I’m working on. And one thing I have been realizing/reminded of is how truly, seriously, honestly trustworthy God is.

And how the impossible things in life seem to be the things that are actually the best. Because they are actually possible.

Everything is going to be okay. I will find a flat of my own to live in. I will be provided for. And my desires will come forth in a tree of life!

…the protagonist cannot be passive.

She has to eventually take action for the things that have been done to her and fight. She must fight for her life. If she remains passive she is not a hero but merely a figure.

We can’t have that.

Action is important. It is pivotal. It is what defines.

So give her action. Let her do what she must do to win the battle and be who she was born to be.