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There has been a lot on my mind lately. Stories, and creative things as well as spiritual and practical things. My mind is a very busy place! Especially right now.

This morning at base meeting we did this thing where we prayed and listened to hear what God thought of each member of the team. About their identity. Then we each had a sheet of paper on our backs and went around writing words down for each person. It was awesome. And what was written on my sheet surprised me…

And you know, I keep fretting about money. I keep panicking and feeling this sinking feeling like all will crumble and fall, but God keeps saying that I need to trust him.

The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in want.

I may have to find a p/t job, and that’s okay. I will survive. I will have enough and even more. Last night when I was praying about my finances I had this picture of a vine, and a flower blossoming and I thought “fruit”… and how Jesus is the vine. I also once again heard “trust me”. But I have been so caught up in worries and feeling like if I trust completely I am somehow not doing enough. That I ought to be working harder instead of just trusting. And it is true, but I also need to rest. Part of trusting God is resting in Him. It is acknowledging that He is good and trustworthy and not fretting, cos He’s got me. I am intricately woven into His vine and will bear fruit… and have fruit to eat as well.

He has proved Himself time and again. Why do I doubt?

Because it’s scary.

But perfect love casts out fear. And if Christ is in me, and He is love as God is love and they are one, then fear should not reside in me. Fear is then squished in like someone sitting on an already full seat, pressing down heavy and unwelcome. But God is love abounding in and around me and He provides. He is a great provider. He loves to give and bless as we are giving and bless others. I need to remember this.

I also need to not be shut up. I am still struggling to find boldness and courage with my voice. I know I need to speak out more in groups but it still is hard for me to find my voice there. I pray for more of God’s spirit to embolden me and more of His courage to fuel me on and open my mouth to speak when I must, even if I am afraid of how my words will be taken.

Yes.

I trust You, Lord because you are trustworthy and good. And even though I don’t always understand Your ways, and following them is often hard, I believe that Your way is best and that You know what your doing and will not abandon me. I am asking for your blessing and trusting that it will come!

I’ve been going through old writings and poems, compiling them for a book project I’m working on. And one thing I have been realizing/reminded of is how truly, seriously, honestly trustworthy God is.

And how the impossible things in life seem to be the things that are actually the best. Because they are actually possible.

Everything is going to be okay. I will find a flat of my own to live in. I will be provided for. And my desires will come forth in a tree of life!

Yes, the Lord is good.

I realized from the fact that I have spent the day stuffing myself with sugary things again (oy). That I have been filling myself up with things that aren’t satisfying, and that it has been a little bit since I really sat with God and heard from Him on my own. I miss Him when I don’t do that. I need my time to sit alone with God.

So I shut the door, turned off the TV and the computer, and praised Him trustfully. Trust is a big theme. I declared my trust and felt it. I believed it. I believe He is trustworthy and a loving provider.

I saw myself walking through the woods again… but He didn’t just take my hand. He scooped me up like a husband and bride. And I noticed I was wearing a dress, with bare feet. So relaxed.

He carried me to a hammock in the middle of a warm, lush green wood and gently placed me in the hammock. He stroked my cheek and stepped back ever so slightly.

Then a man stepped forward, reaching out to me. And God smiled. And the man smiled down at me and I lifted my hand to him. Our arms caught and held on. Both men smiled down at me and I started to cry. I felt so loved, peaceful, provided for, cherished.

Rest. Rest in me. In my love, my provisions and plans.

And Psalm 23 came to mind again:

“He restores my soul… He makes me lie down in green pastures… my cup overflows… goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life”

And whispers of promise flitting about like fireflies, giddy and eager to unveil a long hidden secret.

My brain is so full. I am full of ideas and wonders and thoughts. But it isn’t bad. There isn’t negativity there, for once there is just fullness and this revelation that life really is on the edge for me, and that the pathway, though seeming to be hidden, falls right under my feet on the open sky. I am so free and trusted and hoped for and my hopes can be laid out as my feet… into the wide open without fear of falling.

Cos it is true, you know? I’ve been out here on this sky-way for months, maybe years… and I am still walking. My foundation is not on the earth, or under the earth, or in a rope or a plane or something man-made but in Christ who is a light and whose words spoke the earth into being.

He who makes wonder from dust is a true artist indeed.

I choose to trust and believe and continue to walk on the open sky without fear of failure or deferral or falling. Because He has promised me desire fulfilled if I but walk and push forward with my dreams. He has promised to sustain my life.

And I trust Him.