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I completed my script and sent it off. It got there ridiculously fast. And now I wait. I wait for a week and a few days to find out whether I am going to London for 30 June.

I feel numb, or just baffled. Like feeling is too much right now so I am just kinda half feeling and wobbling to and fro in the inbetween-lands wondering if I am going to transition sooner than I think into that land of hope fulfilled… or whether I will stay here a while longer leaning only on trust for those dreams. But the scary thing is more that I will succeed. What does success feel like? What does it feel like to be fulfilled in that kind of deep dream?

I don’t know. I will know soon…

8 days to go. I have completed three drafts of my script for the BBC Sharps contest. I am really, really encouraged by this whole process. With how quickly the story has come to me and what an incredible act of… worship it has been, involving God in the process.

Jesus is a great writer. In fact, He is the Word.

I think I am beginning to understand that.

I will send off my script to BBC Writer’s Room in a week. Then… we wait.

This is mad. I am so hopeful I might explode.

So here’s the thing:

I live in what I consider the best country in the best city in the world. I love it here. I love my friends, my flat, even my crazy p/t job with Waste Innovations. And I love all that has happened since God brought me here. He has provided immeasurably more than I could have hoped for.

Right now is the craziest time in my life. Especially… RIGHT. NOW. This moment. I feel like I may explode either from hope or from stress. Because everything I want seems to be colliding into a great big cocktail of possibility and it’s, well… it is astonishing but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s a forward momentum, but still not quite there yet.

But what will I do if I DO get there? What if this time I really do succeed?

How does one cope with the prospect of success, of fulfillment, after so much failure?

I don’t know.

I really feel like I will get to go to London, and do this BBC Sharps thing, go the whole way with it and yet my script isn’t done. 16 days and counting. How can I believe somewhere inside me that much when I know the facts?

I don’t know. It’s just a feeling in my gut.

It hurts. But it’s brilliant.

Oh, help!

Today was a day of inspiration (in spite the fact that I woke up at 8:30am, decided I wasn’t ready to face the world and went back to sleep for another hour). Once fully awake, I embraced the wonder of beautiful sunshine in Scotland and took myself, my camera and notebook out for a walk to explore my human doll character, and to work on capturing a mood visually.

The exercise proved quite fruitful in uplifting my spirits and inspiring me… and also in making me realize just how much I love black & white photography.

I’m still developing the character’s motivations and psychology but realizing how intricately her ability to act/react seems to be connected to my ability to recognize the changes that have occured in my life.

What I mean is: she is often just responding to what’s been done to her, taking the hit. I have too. But she’s a fighter. And I am a fighter.

And there does come a point when the fight has to come out one way or another. This is something I am realizing. And I do mean realize-ing (making real). I’m learning how to fight. How to overcome. I am learning how to be myself without just reacting to others opinions and ideas, but by acting and taking action that is my own.

It’s a process.

…the protagonist cannot be passive.

She has to eventually take action for the things that have been done to her and fight. She must fight for her life. If she remains passive she is not a hero but merely a figure.

We can’t have that.

Action is important. It is pivotal. It is what defines.

So give her action. Let her do what she must do to win the battle and be who she was born to be.

Yesterday, while walking down Leith Walk (after seeing a lovely film called “Penelope”), I couldn’t help smiling. I felt loved, free, happy and inspired. Cos of a film. Cos of a film that spoke to me.

And you know… I really love when that happens. When little blessings are huge blessings cos they surprise you. I love that.

What I don’t love is when little negative things become big things that kick you into the dirt. It seems so hard to clean that off and go on. It’s still a bit tough going for me right now. I’m having to fight in a way I don’t like to fight cos these lies are wanting to devour.

But I am rising above. I am defeating them.

I think one of the hardest things for an artist, or perhaps anyone, to realize is that you can be brilliant without ever achieving anything. You can be fantastic at something even if you haven’t gotten ‘there’ yet.

That’s hard for me. It’s hard to have faith in myself anyway, but without what often feels like proof of my abilities, I feel… maybe my gifts aren’t really gifts but just illusions of gifts.

But that’s a lie.

I am a writer. I’m a good writer. And I’m young. Most of my favourite writers are in their 40s and 50s. I have time. I will reach my potential.

And the liars and just liars. They will be crushed.

Dream darling, dream… and persevere. The potential is actually actual. It just needs to come to fruition. So go. Keep going.

Do not give up.

I’ve got so many projects… and settling in to do. And still praying for provision, a flat, stepping into my own here as staff and as a creative force instead of a creative pot-hole (haha).

I have to remind myself that it doesn’t ALL have to be done tomorrow. Don’t freak out, Kim. Work, be dedicated, persistent. But don’t panic (42)!

It’s really interesting to be me right now… in this place of dreams and hopes and unknown. I’m laughing constantly while tying myself into knots of thoughts and then unravelling again. Am I a slinky?

Life is good and I am happy.

But my brain continues to be a playground… sometimes at night (dark and somewhat disturbing) and other times on a sunshiney summer day with lollipops.

Hmmm…

Last night we prayed. For hours.

Didn’t go to bed till after 2 a.m.

It was so good and this is just the beginning!

I’m beginning to process more. Feeling more able to understand why things have happened and what’s on my heart and why.

But also feeling a greater appreciation for the history of my life. For what has come before and the things that compel me.

The types of stories.

I will be writing more. And with more clarity.

It’s exciting!

Today when I awoke I had to fight again to keep the hopeful feelings going. Sometimes facing the unknown is really hard. Especially when you know the journey is not likely to be predictable.

It will take dedication, perseverance… trust.

I’ve begun to re-write my most recent short film in the hopes of telling it better. I want to ensure that the artsiness of it does not take away from telling a good & moving story. I have a talent for imagery, and am determined to combine this with good narrative. I really want this film to be one that will move people, and that is also doable, shootable with a low budget.

It’s an interesting process. All of this. Daily I feel simultaneously equipped, ready, full of purpose, and useless, unprepared.

But I can’t seem to help it. Where I am on this journey? It’s crazy. I am birthing so much. I can feel it all kicking and urgent in my belly and soul. The need to write better than I have ever written. To be a leader. To communicate truth. To pray and fight. And hope.

To step into full capacity in all things.

It is overwhelming at times. But with God’s help, I will succeed. I have to.

This time is what I was created for, what I have longed for.

I am flying. And I pray I have what it takes, with His help, to step into destiny properly, knowing that even if I fail I will still have my identity, but also that in some sense failure is not an option…

Once the birthing process begins, it cannot be stopped. It is inevitable.

Writing. It is a plague. Sometimes. Haha.

Sometimes it is a wonder.

We just watched Shakespeare in Love, some of the girls and I. Aside from being sappy and over-sexed at times, the writer stuff made me smile. I love Shakespeare because he’s so dramatic and brilliant and silly. So it inspired me.

Not that I think I will ever be a Shakespeare (and I am okay with that), but with the idea that writers must write. Because words are powerful and important.

I have this script, it’s been bugging me so much because there’s so much good possibility, good characters, etc… but it’s not quite working. And I’ve been going mad. But today I realized it doesn’t matter. If this script never works (I’m sure it will, but that’s besides the point), I’ll be okay. I’ll still be a writer and my words will still matter because God has told me to write. And therefore there is power, and purpose.

So I will keep writing and keep working with God to tell the kinds of stories and words that matter and communicate and change lives.

This is really living, isn’t it? Faith. Perseverance. Striving for good even when it seems difficult or impossible. Sometimes I hate being human.

Right now I love it!