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I was awoken at 3am by a disturbing dream involving an actress named Billie Piper. At first I wondered whether the dream was a result of some sort of attack, but the dream did not instill fear in me. When I awoke I felt strongly that God was telling me to pray for Billie and to get others to pray. So I did.

The day continued like that with YWAM Scotland prayer day. We prayed for her, for our friends and loved ones, and for each other. There was this strong sense of the spirit of God hovering, being present with us, really speaking and revealing.

I had this image of laying down tracks, railroad tracks. And God said “you are on the right track.” There was lots of talk of things to come and healing to come and big things that are daunting to me to think of. It was a day of encouragement, of hope, of… curiousity and focus on God’s power and wonders.

And it began with a dream that sparked me to pray for a stranger.

Sometimes, lately, I think my future may be more surprising and more amazing than I think.

And when I think that I realize… I have changed.

I am beginning to live in hope. I am beginning to hope not just for little things but for the impossible. And my hope is defiant and wild and strong.

Yes, Lord. Yes.

There has been a lot on my mind lately. Stories, and creative things as well as spiritual and practical things. My mind is a very busy place! Especially right now.

This morning at base meeting we did this thing where we prayed and listened to hear what God thought of each member of the team. About their identity. Then we each had a sheet of paper on our backs and went around writing words down for each person. It was awesome. And what was written on my sheet surprised me…

And you know, I keep fretting about money. I keep panicking and feeling this sinking feeling like all will crumble and fall, but God keeps saying that I need to trust him.

The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in want.

I may have to find a p/t job, and that’s okay. I will survive. I will have enough and even more. Last night when I was praying about my finances I had this picture of a vine, and a flower blossoming and I thought “fruit”… and how Jesus is the vine. I also once again heard “trust me”. But I have been so caught up in worries and feeling like if I trust completely I am somehow not doing enough. That I ought to be working harder instead of just trusting. And it is true, but I also need to rest. Part of trusting God is resting in Him. It is acknowledging that He is good and trustworthy and not fretting, cos He’s got me. I am intricately woven into His vine and will bear fruit… and have fruit to eat as well.

He has proved Himself time and again. Why do I doubt?

Because it’s scary.

But perfect love casts out fear. And if Christ is in me, and He is love as God is love and they are one, then fear should not reside in me. Fear is then squished in like someone sitting on an already full seat, pressing down heavy and unwelcome. But God is love abounding in and around me and He provides. He is a great provider. He loves to give and bless as we are giving and bless others. I need to remember this.

I also need to not be shut up. I am still struggling to find boldness and courage with my voice. I know I need to speak out more in groups but it still is hard for me to find my voice there. I pray for more of God’s spirit to embolden me and more of His courage to fuel me on and open my mouth to speak when I must, even if I am afraid of how my words will be taken.

Yes.

I trust You, Lord because you are trustworthy and good. And even though I don’t always understand Your ways, and following them is often hard, I believe that Your way is best and that You know what your doing and will not abandon me. I am asking for your blessing and trusting that it will come!

I officially got prayed in to the YWAM Edinburgh team today during our base meeting. Feels good. It was a great meeting, and I somehow managed to sum up my time in DTS in an apparently mostly coherent manner. Not quite sure what all I said, but people seemed to be pleased with it. So that’s good

Did some praying re: finances and projects today (and also just more settling into Edinburgh stuff) and am getting really excited about a couple of projects in particular. Won’t go into details yet, but you’ll hear more eventually.

In general I have to say that I am totally happy and excited about this life I get to live!

And I am gonna keep fighting the fight and writing the write and working hard to do all of that to the best of my ability and beyond. Thank God for adventure and wonders and change and all that good stuff. I am so ridiculously hopeful, it’s nuts!

Still wondering about finances and where I should live (whose flat/where, etc…) and seeking wisdom and direction on that. So please keep praying.

I really believe all shall be well somehow.

I woke up today feeling both tired and motivated at the same time, still plagued by the annoying, persistency of a headache, but in general feeling positive.

I have been working on the newest re-write of my newest short film set in Edinburgh (making it an actual narrative instead of just an emotional roller-coaster of crazy imagery). It’s getting better, which is good.

I’ve also been sipping on hot chocolate ALL day and feel like if I drink anymore chocolate I may start seeping it from my pores (eeeeeew).

I spent some time this morning just praying and talking to God about friends and new ideas/projects (though plan to do more of that tonight) and I am trying to suss out what exactly to tell the team about my time in Paisley and Egypt and what all has happened. How does one go about summing up 5 months in 5-10 minutes??

All shall be well.

I am really excited about the big list of projects we are working on. Some abstract and uber creative, others…. well I’d like to start a writer’s group, and am working to develop a ministry for young women questioning their sexuality who otherwise would feel (and in many places be) rejected by the church, who just really need a place to talk and pray/be prayed for. I talked briefly to the pastor of my new church here and it seems like there is really a need for it and people are excited. It scares me a bit, but also excites me.

In the mean-time: YWAM Edinburgh really needs to raise funds for all these ministries and things. We’re putting on a music show 7 March and we’re going to be selling some things (more details soon).

We have also created this ‘Tenner Campaign,’ which asks for contributions of £10 or $10 per month for those who are able. It’s easy to participate, and we gratefully appreciate your prayer and consideration about giving to YWAM Edinburgh. Read about the Tenner campaign here!

I personally, am still praying and in need of on-going monthly support. If you or someone you know of can help, please let me know!

Okay… enough about money.

God is good and provides! Wheee faith! What an adventure!

I’m feeling a bit small and wide-eyed right now.

It is so cool to be back here in Edinburgh, to be entering into this new thing, life, journey, destiny, etc. But right now I feel a bit… overwhelmed… or perhaps the better word is baffled by the scope of my dreams, and what I’ve been lead into.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s too good to be true. There just seems to be such blessing and promise of more!

It’s not that I can’t handle it. Rather, it’s that there is so much and I am SO excited about it all. But it’s a lot of work, and time, and dedication. And if the time is now. If this is a time of birth, and yes, and coming to fruition, of hope fulfilled instead of deferred, then that is glorious and hopeful and exciting… and busy!

I cannot let go of God’s hand. And I cannot dare to forget His promises and the things that have been spoken over me.

So, I will allow myself to blink a bit and settle and find my bearings again here, but I also must plunge in feet first and dream and write and plan and hope and pray and trust with all my might. Cos isn’t that it?

Isn’t that the true thing? To know that it isn’t just acceptance or belief…

Believing is one thing, accepting is one thing, but the true, real crazy part of the journey is when you take His hand and listen when He says those fateful words…

“Run”

And you do. And you never stop.

Hand in hand, you keep running and you keep growing until you are more yourself and then more and then more… until one day He doesn’t have to grab your hand. You are grabbing His. You are whole and together.

It’s about trust. And it’s ruthless.

Brilliant.

I made it safely back to Edinburgh thanks to Molly and Hannah who escorted me and helped with my heavy luggage (THANK YOU!). We had chocolate soup, wandered the Mile, and played at the Museum of Childhood (paper fortunes: “I see a man in a blue box”). Heehee!

Twas a good, if wet, day. I am really happy to be back in Edinburgh, though my spirit is kinda butterfly-fluttery and definitely feeling strange about the fact that DTS is really over and I don’t know when I will see those girls, who became like sisters to me, again. Doesn’t feel real yet. Feels like I’m just having a long weekend or something. I am so thankful for everything that has happened and how I have grown and my perspective has  changed, etc etc. Life is good.

Praying and writing and working is starting already. It’s good. And I’m excited to see what comes next. Good things. Good, good things from a good God. Yep.